october 1st, 1998.  functi
on#5 infofile.

meaningless quote ta
ken from a random source

"I *DID* have sexual relations with that
woman!"

- warpus.

welcome k-mart shoppers

Welcome to Function's five month anniversary.  It's Oct
ober, we
are all back in school (or most of us smart people ar
e, anyways),
and we have less time on our hands than ever.  In res
ult of this
occasion, we are celebrating our best pack ever!  It
makes
perfect sense, doesn't it? =)

Last month, I lost home access to the Internet, and r
eally had
no other means of contacting the members of Function
(except
for Warpus, who, since the last pack, has only spoken
to me
through a simple long distance call in which he compl
ained about
the lack of a September pack, and an unfortunate frid
ge-kicking
incident.  As a result of these misfortunes (mostly t
he fridge-
kicking), we did not release a September pack.  We're
not dead
though; in fact, we're about as healthy as Clinton's
present role
in American society.  In a related matter, get ready to
splooge
all over yourselves, because there are more pics in t
his pack than
any of our previous packs can shake a stick at.

I'd like to apologize to the members of Function for no
t making a
particularly back-breaking effort to get in contact w
ith them.
It was brought to my attention, during September, tha
t I could
have easily relayed a message through Nitnatsnoc, who
lives in the
same area code as I, telling the members what was up.
Sorry, but
it's been a busy summer, and.. well, I slept a lot.
Deal with it.

Big up to Gravedancer for putting all of his life-relat
ed-
responsibilities aside, and locking himself in comple
te isolation
for the past month.  By complete isolation, I mean ot
her than
his computer, a copy of Aciddraw, and 4 or 5 dozen be
an and
cheese burritos.

more filler, less filling

Wow, this is great.  I have finally approached the news
section of
this infofile, with nothing more to say than what is
said in the
above introductory paragraph.  Well, fuck me in my go
at ass.

All I can do now is write a short plug for my dead el
ectronic
magazine, Omlette, just recently released its 4th (an
d last)
issue.  You can find all of the issues of Omlette in
codied or
HTML format at http://www.omlette.cjb.net.  Omlette i
s a humour
based magazine, not an art scene blabbermouth rant-n-
rave horror
show like so many other magazines we have seen in the
past.  Dear
Filth ahd Inazone:  No, I am not referring to you =)
The reason
that I killed Omlette is in the editorial of the new
issue itself,
so go get it or I will pack your dog's arsehold with
worms.

And maybe yours too.

On a completely unrelated note, I am now in first year
college,
studying (gasp) computers and mathematics.  Cthulu al
so goes to
the same college, which means I get to see him more o
ften.  Well,
once a week (the majority of his courses are in the e
vening) isn't
that often, but it's better than once a year. =)  Any
ways, the
moral of the story is this:  He eats whole carrots.
Lots of them.
Big ones, too.

applying

If you wish to apply to our cattle loving group, please
zip
up as many works of your recent art as you feel necessa
ry,
along with the text file created by our application gen
erator,
and send it to either Quip (jmalcolm@geocities.com).

new interns (1)

ville  From such great groups as Fire, a
nd Nerp, comes Ville.
His handle kind of resembles the word "veal."  Anyways,

Ville hasn't contacted us since the day he joined
, which
leads us to believe that he has been sliced up and sold

in the meats section at Safeway.  Apparently, before hi
s
demise, Ville stated that he had some ansi sitting at
home on his computer.  More recent news informed that
he no longer lives at home.  Greeaat.

media outcasts (2)

garroterGarroter, aka The Fonz, decided
that his ansi "career"
was done for.  After telling us that he would pro
bably
not be producing any artwork, we remained hopeful
for a
month, but now we must face the music and let him go.
Yeah, that's right.. and don't came back, you filthy
ditch pig.

kleenexAfter using him to wipe a tear fr
om our eye,
we tossed Kleenex into a huge dark abyss.. where he...
err.. well, he draws ansi for Awe and Dark now.

corrections

The above comment about Garroter being a filthy ditch p
ig was
really a naughty joke.  We still love him, and his va
st knowledge
of various sexual positions.

I also have a correction to make about the quote at the
top of
this infofile.  Warpus did NOT, in fact, sleep with "
that woman."
It turned out that there actually was no woman, and t
hat his
object of desire was only Fuzzy, our very own Internet
guy.

In a related rumour, I heard that Fuzzy has started his
own
web pornography complex called "Fuzzy Bares".

in conclusion

Thanks for viewing the pack (assuming that you have, or
intend
to).  If you want to join, then apply.  It's as simple
as that.

Oh, and if you're looking for a place to sell yourself,
Mistigris
is celebrating their 4th anniversary this October, so g
uest some
art with them.  Last year's 3rd annivers
ary pack was huge, and
I have a feeling this is going to become
a trend.

thanks for last night

fuzzy       For
designing our web page.
hajiOnce ag
ain, for the same excellent file_id.diz.

header by iro
nghost and warpus.  infofile by
quip.
header touch-u
ps by quip

eofunction#5_19
98.

ps:

<Conan O'Brien> Okay, I'll be Kenneth Starr.  Here's a bi
ble.. "Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth?"

(long pause)

<Bill Clinton> They're not really going to ask me that, a
re they?