Quip voted best
"Legion is a

op of scene █ ██ █ ansi
artist█ ██ █ bunch

charts AGAIN!

wankers" - Anon

VOLUME 3, ISSUE 1
THE ART SCENE'S FINEST NEWS SOURCE

NEWS IN BRIEF

FUNCTION WEB PAGE MOVED DUE TO NEONCRAYON
WEB SITE CRASH
SURREY--This month, Function's web page was moved from the g
roup's previous
web space provider, Neoncrayon Multimedia.  Neonc
rayon suffered a fatal
server crash in which the web page seemed to have been destr
oyed.  Lucky
for the group, Quip had a backup of the page and was able to
restore the
lost data.  Silent Knight, friend of Quip, and ge
neral nuisance (inside
joke), offered web space to Quip and he gladly accepted.  A
free domain
name was then registered as http://function.cjb.net
.  Please point your
browser towards that URL to see our wonderful(ly small) page

MILK LEADER ARRESTED AND CHARGED FOR
ATTEMPTING BEASTIALITY MOVEMENT
VANCOUVER--Shortly after Function #2 was released, some rath
er unsettling
news was unleashed about the group's main art scene competit
ion, Milk.  It
seems that Creamix, the leader of the group, felt
that Milk was in dire
need of some attention;  the group hadn't released in quite
a while, and
rumors that the group would go under soon were circulating.
After a brief
meeting with all Milk members, it was discovered that over 7
2% of the
memberlist consisted of convicted elephant molestors
(it was also rumored
that Creamix used to have a part-time graveyard shift rotati
on at the zoo.)
After realizing the potential in this fact, Creamix brought
the news to the
attention of the general #ansi public.  To his dismay, he an
d his group
were shunned for inflicting such horrible actions upon innoc
ent animals, and
the group fell apart shortly after.  There has been no news
regarding where
any of the former-Milk members are going next, but we here a
t Function can
assure you that no elephant molestors will be welcome in our
ranks!

TWO NEW MEMBERS JOIN FUNCTION
VANCOUVER--Long-time ansi great, and former Integrity, Misti
gris, and Acid
member, Nitnatsnoc joined the Function team this
month.  Apart from his
fame gained from appearing in the memberlists of the previou
sly mentioned
groups, he also used to run a fantastic art board called
The Screaming
Tomato (also the former Mistigris WHQ.)  Although
he has shed his tomato
skin, the pulp that is left assures the public that he can s
till draw just
as well as ever (or better, even!) and will continue to do s
o with the
group.  When asked to comment on his arrival in the group, N
itnatsnoc
stated, "Hi, I'm Nitnatsnoc.  I have poisoned your wa
ter supply."

<_Cthulu> you know, I think nitnatsnoc is going t
o join function.
<_Cthulu> congratulations.
<_Cthulu> I can now officially resent you.

(he was kidding =)

LONDON--Former Lazarus tyrant Hennifer
was also going to join Function this
month, when he died of a mysterious ammonia overdose while d
rinking a cool,
clean cup of tap water.

TORONTO--Kleenex, also of Dark Illustrated, has j
oined our ranks for ansi
and we are very happy about that.  Hopefully he will not hav
e to choose
between either group, but will make both clubs happy with hi
s great logos
and pictures.  On note of hearing this news, Warpus
had to briefly leave
his computer to retrive a tissue.

PEDANTIK IS A BIG, FAT LOSER WITH NO LIFE
COQUITLAM--Just kidding folks.  Pedantik was unab
le to assure the seniors
(and senioritas, hence Warpus) that he would be active at al
l in the next
few months, so he dropped the group.  If he does, in fact, d
evelop further
interest in sharpening his ansi skills, he should take note
that Function
will gladly take him back.

WARPUS HAS BEEN HAVING SOME PROBLEMS
LONDON--Shortly after moving from his residence near
Waterloo University,
Warpus began to have some problems.  Aside from h
is questionable sexuality,
his email has not been doing too well either.  For now one,
please contact
him (?) at warpus@neoncrayon.ml.org.

QUIP INJURED IN MYSTERIOUS "ASS KICKING"
VANCOUVER--Due to the fact that Quip was extremel
y offensive in this
infofile, he received a severe "ass kicking" from folks such
as Pedantik,
Silent Knight, and Warpus.  Rumor has
it that Creamix also showed up at
the kicking, but was, in turn, beat down in a similar fashio
n.  As a
result of this beating, Quip will not be assembling next mon
th's pack;
Warpus will.  When Quip is released from the proctolo
gist in August, he
will begin the collection of art for that month.  Ouch!

THE SCENE IS PICKING UP!
EVERYWHERE--It seems that, as of late, the art scene has rea
lly been
picking up, activity wise.  The Extremist (of Glu
e) started up a review
page called Operation: Rescue (http://operation.h
ome.ml.org), and magazines
such as Gutter (run by Filth), Ooze (b
y Squidgalator/2), and Fistful Of
Steel (by Inazone) have developed further interes
t in the scene.  Groups
such as Legion, Avenge, and Zen
ith have popped up (Zenith, literally, out
of nowhere!), Glue is stronger than ever, and groups like
Ice, Mistigris,
and Dark are still hanging in there.  Unfortunate
ly, Fire is going to bite
the big one after its 33rd release, which isn't too pleasing
, but the pack
should be very impressive.  We here at Function would like t
o wish bad luck
to all you other group leaders out there - we want all of yo
ur good artists,
and hope you die in a horrible, horrible manner.

ERR...
Just kidding. =)

PLAZZ SUBMITS A GUEST LOGO COLLY
GAINESVILLE--Area ansi artist Plazz decided that
although he is currently
groupless that he would, out of the kindness of his heart, s
ubmit a whole
logo colly as a guest appearance for your viewing pleasure.
Aside from
the question of where we will see Plazz release next, people
are still
wondering, "What the hell IS a Plazz anyways?"

IN CONCLUSION..
I'm not up for writing any particularly philosophical bullsh
it right now,
so I'll just end this infofile with a quote (this one
's for you, Warpus):

<_tom> polish literally to me looks like a bunch of
words with the
letter z inserted instead of vowels

(C) Copyright 1998 Function, Inc., All rights reserved.
Questions/comments? Please contact the seniors staff in the
following ways:

Quip   - email: jmalcolm@geocities.com
irc:#function, #mist (all on EFnet)
bbs:The Jade Monkey (604) 730-2467

Warpus - email: warpus@neoncrayon.ml.org
irc:#function, #dark, #hax0rs519 (all on EFnet)
phone: 1-800-FINLAND (toll free!)

ps: if you don't know what this infofile is a
parody of, go to http://www.theonion.com