a reckless driver made a right turn from a left lane and collided with 
another car.  The other friver demanded, "why didn't you signal?"  
without a moment's hesitation, the driver replied, "I always turn here!"

flashlight: a mechanical device used by people to carry around dead 
batteries.

hell for garage attendants is a garage filled with grease and no steering 
wheels to wipe it on.

some nights, the only good things on tv are the vase and the clock

she suddenly had the urge to live in the past.  "you used to kiss me" so 
he leaned over and kissed her.  "You used to hold my hand" so he reached 
over and held her hand.  "You used to bite my neck" so he got up and 
walked out.  "Where are you going?" she asked.  "to get my teeth!"

confidence: that quality which permits an individual to do crossword 
puzzles with a fountain pen

any time you think you have influence, try ordering someone else's dog 
around!