Intro - +-+-+-+ these poems are who i am, by allowing you to read them i am allowing you a small pleasure which i usually allow very few, i am opening a window. I am not only allowing the sunlight to breech my walls for a few moments, but also the eyes of strangers. i decided quite a while back that i could never write a diary. It was always just something unspoken that i knew. I find it nearly impossible to write in prose about my life due to the fact that even though many of my poems are quite direct, they could never be fully understood without knowing the events which provoked me to write them. The two things i hate most in life are exacted redundancy and normalcy, and so i attempt to breech both of these by allowing myself the freedom to write only what i feel is needed, in whatever form i choose. this is a collection of nearly everything i have ever written. The poems herein would most likely be dated between march 1993 and the present date, and are listed chronologically; thus, you should see a progression (i know i can) between earlier works and later ones. You can also note that my influences, ideas, and philosophies also obviously change dramatically, and there is an especially large shift directly around the area of the poem relignancy. This was the time when i was first introduced to and entranced by the gothic subculture. in closing, i ask only that anyone reading this sends me comments on it, whether they be critical or what have you, although i would rather the critical since i am always looking to improve my work. thank you, and good night james Wind +-+-+ Blowing -- Twisting -- Breathing air, Spinning -- Twirling -- And blowing my hair, This cyclone of torment, A maelstrom of pain, All my energy's spent, And I fall down again. I'm dead on my feet, Alive in my grave, All those lies and deceit, All the trust that i gave. I gave you my life, And you broke my heart, You said you'd be my wife, And we'd make a start. But now you've run away, Are you scared or just cruel? Why'd you leave today, Why'd you leave me to duel? But I must fight the pain -- The heartache -- the shame, I must not let you inside, I must find a place to hide a place to hide i'll crawl inside and wait to die. nothing Boxed In +-+-+-+- Alone, lost, confused, Closed in my own mind, I try to change my thoughts, But i can think only of you. Wondering, if my thoughts are true, I want to think they are, But i'm still not sure, Because i think of only you. Is it that i'm afraid of change, Or that i'm afraid i'll lose you, Or am i truly happy, When i'm thinking of you. Perhaps it's not good, Being boxed in like this, But i don't really care, Because i want only you. Should i risk breaking away, And falling to my knees for another, Or should i stay like i want to, Should i stay with you. I know what i want, And i know what i need, And i know perfection, And i see it in you. So i guess i don't mind, This box that i'm in, And i'm truly happy, To be in love with you. nothing Rain Drop +-+-+-+-+ Falling gently to the ground, Puddles growing all around, I star to think of what i've found, I sit and think without a sound. Is this love or is it lust, Or it could be both, Is this faith or is it trust, It's all of these i hope. I know i want to be in love, Though it can hurt us so, I want to soar with you forever, And let our souls entwine. The rains now pouring to the ground, And there's one big puddle all around, I stop my thinking without a sound, And go inside before i drown. I can only wish and want, That you were here with me, I wish we were lying together, Why must i feel so alone. nothing Control +-+-+-+ You look at me with your controlling eyes, I want to follow your every command, Simply tell me what you wish to be done, And i'll do it. For you control me. People say it puts me down, brings me down, But i don't care, for i enjoy it, Please control me, possess my spirit, Make me do things. For you control me. I want you to have full control, But my spirit says no, it's not natural, Break my spirit, control my mind, And i don't matter. For you control me. Look at me, lost among nothing but thoughts, Thinking about nothing, and so much of it, Thinking back on all the nothings, Where has the day gone? While you've controlled me. And now i'm broken, but i'm not in pain, It's pure pleasure for me my dear, And i don't mind what you do, For i don't matter. And you control me. This is what i wanted, And you gave it to me, you gave me it all, So now who controls who, Do i control you? Or do you control me? I'm still a wild spirit inside, I'm still an untamed heart, And though i wish to be controlled, It's not to be. For i control you. Take me away, take away my senses, I don't want to stay here anymore, Control my body, manipulate me, I want to leave. So please control me. Control my mind, and all my thoughts, All my senses, control everything, I want to lose myself, I want to lose control. So take control. If i were to disappear, would anyone care, They would, and i know that, But if i were still here, yet controlled, With no spirit. And you controlled me. They would forget, and want for me to die, And wish i was gone, away from here, Back to where i came from. Only a spirit, And you controlled me. nothing Awake in Bed +-+-+-+-+-+- I lay awake, as i drift off, Wondering what i'll wonder. What is this? That i know so well, What is this, that i've seen so many times. I sleep as i walk, Looking at everything through closed eyelids. What is this? That i've seen so many times, What is this, that i know so well. Thinking about nothing, and so much of it, Thinking about my thoughts. What is this? That i'm thinking now, Tell me so i may know. Why did this have to happen, You went and made everything so perfect, Just so i would be unhappy. What did you do? Why alive, in our coffins of wood, Why awake in our deathbeds, Why dead, roaming the Earth, Searching for nothing. Wishing, for things we can't have, Wishing we could have nothing, But something. Wondering, if we'll get it, If we'll hold it, in an empty basket, A thought, a dream, a cure. I'm drowning in this pool of sunlight, It swallows me, i can't breathe, Gasping for more air, it surrounds me, I wonder if this is happening. I'm dying in your arms, Drowning in your happiness, My body is full of energy, But i don't want to go on. Needing only love, happiness, Wanting only love. Happiness, joy, laughter. And pain following as we play. Look at the sky, The empty sky, filled with nothing, That is me, for you are not looking at the sky, My eyes, empty pools of light. Thinking again about nothing, And oh so much of it. Sleep consumes me, Like i want you to. Then i hear it, a sound so loud, It shatters my thoughts. The sound of silence, so loud. Breaking my concentration. I wonder if i'll ever awaken happy, And without cares, or joys, or pain. Wonder if you'll be there with me, In my world of nothing. And i gaze, look, feel, touch the air, It tastes so sweet, so bitter. I read it's many wordless pages. The book of my life. Filled with forgotten memories i think back, On all the times, the joys, the pain, Wishing i were someone else, Someone like me. Look at me, what do you see, You don't know, for you see nothing. I am not here, gone, I am right next to you. Look again, and feel, wonder, What do you see? Nothing. nothing Numb +-+- I look and i see, A part of you, spared for me, You sit alone, in the shade of a tree, You sit as i sit, and think, 'what do i need'. Love, hate, life, Part of us all, brought from birth, We think of it as normal, but it's not, Normal is whatever we want, not what we're shown. There is nothing, Age, life, death, you, me, Everything is as we want it to be, Or as we are told it should more likely. Look around at this world, You created it in your mind, or rather i, It is as you wished. Change? Don't even try, For you will end up exactly where you wish yourself. Wonder aloud, With a voice, a sound. Sing out, tell what you think. For nothing matters unless you want it to be. Anything everything you want to be, Everything now, infinite possibilities. You can fly, float, be, or just lie alone. You are numb to feelings, and no one cares, no one. But why, Why do you want, For you can answer any question. In this world of your creation, it is how you want. What do you need? It is yours, for you have all. What to give to you -- nothing, all you do not possess. Look around at this hell you've brought about us, or rather i. God? Look in yourself. Find your power, wield it. You can do anything in your world. Flowers bloom, Hate is gone, total peace, happiness. And a shattering noise, tearing your world apart. You wonder why, but you already know. For you brought it. A world without pain, Thunder, lightning, rain, But still water, trickling now and again, Call me a genius, a poet, insane. And then look at yourself. Who are you? You don't know. For you are everything, but nothing in your world. Another speck of dust, but with the power to control all. This is your world, or rather mine. Or perhaps i am just another piece in your game. Are you winning? Or do you even know how to play? This game of infinite eternity that you created. Look with your mind, Taste with your eyes, Think with your heart, And you'll know no lies. And now i fall, To my grave again, To wait until the moonrise, When i'll be numb again, and alive at last. nothing Untitled - 1 +-+-+-+-+-+- The way you gaze, into my eyes, Opens your heart, and shows me your lies, What strikes me as off, is that there are none, Just the truth that your love, can belong to only one, The way you kiss, with such passion, A plethora of feelings, my insation, But there's something, your hiding behind, Something you block, from my probing mind. Please tell me the truth girl, don't lie to me, Oh tell me your fears, it's ok to grieve, I know you have doubts, that our love is true, But i've never loved anyone, like i love you. I know why you left me, and i guess i can't blame, For i've nothing to offer, no fortune, no fame, But i can offer love, and love that is true, And i know cause it pains me, when i'm not with you. You opened my doors, then slammed them in my face, And we both know well, that our love was in haste, You know i care for you, so please let me in, And please love come back, and hold me again. nothing.. Floating +-+-+-+- Blue and green, Yellow and red, Soft and serene, Or noisy instead. Look around you, Gaze about, Search through your heart, Until you must shout. Just shout out in joy, Let happiness rain! Come here little boy, Let laughter heal pain. You know deep inside, Who you are, You know oh so well, This is who you are. Remember the times, You were together, Remember the joys, You shared together. Your love still will reign, And pull her to you, And if that love is true, It will be forever. The joy of love, the pain of loss, The joy in your eyes, the pain in your heart, The sunshine, the shadows, the sun, and the moon, All must be there for you. Perhaps you must try, And experience more, To test yourself, To provide a cure, for the pain. Blue and green, Yellow and red, Soft and serene, Or noisy instead. Look around you, gaze about, Search through your heart, Until you must shout. Just shout out in joy! Forget all the pain, And come here little boy, Let's let happiness rain. nothing Confusion of the night +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- Confusing thoughts now cloud my mind, As I search for the truth, I know it's there, but somehow i can't find it. You say you love me, But your leaving, And you don't even know why. Why must life, love, happiness, All cease in the end, Even when we want to go on, Even when we want to last forever. You tell me it's not forever, But only for a little while, Yet i know there's something, Something deep inside your soul you hide. Let it out, open up to me, Show me your soul, I want to touch your soul, To let myself be shrouded in it's mist of forgetfulness. I fall unconscious, to the cold ground, Engulfed in the sleep of a coma, i can only dream, I can only dream of the times we've had, The wonders we've seen, the love we've shared. You say i'll find myself again, I'll know myself again, Like i did when you were with me, When it seemed my life was complete. But it hurts, It hurts me to see you cry, Even though this is how you say you want it to be, I know you better than that, i know when you lie. And now my friend, my love, I leave you, like you asked me to, Like you said you wanted, Not knowing if i'll come back. You know you'll always hold a part of me, A part i can never take back, But it doesn't matter to me, Nothing really matters anymore. As i walk, i wonder, I wonder if i'll ever know joy again, Ever know the laughter, the passion i felt with you, You say your not sure either. Nothing is for certain, Not god, not love, not life, not even justice, The only thing that remains, Is the confusion of the night. nothing fucked up +-+-+-+-+ Lights flicker in my mind showing me the truth, I don't want to believe it, I know that it's the only way you'll be for sure, But it hurts me so, to watch you walk away. I wish with all my heart that things could be better, For us, for me, for you, I wish things could just go back to the way they were, When we were so happy and didn't care. Yes my friends, life does suck, And yes my friends it's a bitch, So let's all go and get fucked up, Lets go get fucked up. Lets forget the past, And concentrate only on the present, Forget all our cares and live, Lets just go get stoned. No one cares what happens to us, We're just another tally on the board, Maybe we can fly, maybe, Maybe we should try to jump. Look around you, People you don't know are everywhere, Do you think they care about you, Do you think they'd care if you died. Feel the sensations, Coursing through your body as you lie, Stoned out of your mind, your tingling, And you think back on bittersweet memories. Memories you'll never know again, Feelings you'll never feel again, Places you'll never see again, Was it all worth it? nothing Streak +-+-+- Feeling so low; i'm down; i'm gone, Thinking so long; it hurts; i cry, Tasting my tears; i shake; from pain, Look into my eyes; their filled; with shame. I'm a freak, a creep, a wanderer, And no one cares about me. I'm a vagabond, a nomad, a loser, I'm lost; another streak. Hearing your screams; i sleep; i dream, Feeling your pain; your fear; you lie, Tasting your skin; the way; you live, Fearing you'll go; away; again. I'm nothing, no one, just a boy, And no one cares about me. I'm so small, sickly, invisible, I'm lost; another streak. Sky's lost, i'm gone, you cry. We listen to nothing, and wind. Afraid of living, he comes. To guide us on forever. I lost you before; but not again, Your here; as you'll always be. Glass eyes; straw hair; pin stripes, You left, but never again. I thought about losing, giving up. But it wasn't worth it, not to me. I'll just sit here, i'll remember. I see you, your not here, in hell. My hell. You scream, and i enjoy it. You cry, i feed on your fear. You call me names, i don't acknowledge. Now you gone, you left me alone. And i cry, i die, in here. To gaze upon you again. But i've lost this game. The game of our lives. nothing Turnstile +-+-+-+-+ Looking around the room i see nothing, I spin around endlessly, never stopping, Everything is out of focus, but whats to see, Your gone now, and nothing matters. Feeling dizzy, i think what if i should stop, And come back to reality, to live again, But it's not worth it anymore, nothing is, Because you've left, and now your gone. Tasting so many tears as I cry, I miss you, i yearn for your touch, And then i stop to think for a while, Now the room spins without me, like you. Touching a vision of your body, It seems as if your still right next to me, But i know your not, and you may never be again, Because your gone now, and i must move on. Hearing you cry, i listen, wanting to die, The room is still spinning, warping the sound, I listen, and your pain fills my heart, You left so long ago, but the pain is there just the same. I can smell you, your sweet aroma, I caress the vision of your form, You left so long ago, you changed, But only now is it real. I think back on all our days together, And the nights that were better still, And i think back on your stillness, You didn't even want me there. I change for you, i return, But still i get no acknowledgment, Only when i've left do you cry, And you know it hurts me, is it right. It is so clear to me now, everything about everything, But it still seems as if i know nothing, Since your not here with me, And what if we could somehow find a way, What if we could somehow be one, and know peace again. And know the uniformity collapses, Everything has changed, nothing remains but us, And we wonder if we should even try, And we wonder if it's worth it. So now we sit alone, on different earths, Spinning as one, though we're not, The dizziness brings us together, And then night falls, and nothing returns. And we spin, and we spin, And we spin, and we fall, And we cry, and we think, And we try to love again. nothing Fantastica +-+-+-+-+- Crying for joy, an explosion of laughter, Fireworks in the sky, Bright'ning the night, And you beside me, everything is perfect, The world, the night, and life again. Screaming out to the world, so they may know, This joy, this happiness i feel again, Even though little has changed, it means the world, And what this is, is fantastica. Flying so high, on a cloud of madness, Gone insane with joy at confusion resolved, Everything is known, and open for all to see, And you and i are one again. Feelings, so strong they consume my soul, I wonder how this came to be, the moment it started is a blur, And i feel as if i could fly, it's like a drug, And i'm addicted, like i've always been. Falling so fast on my roller coaster of excitement, The world is moving so fast, and us, even faster, We stop for a while to catch some air, And the world is gone now, it's just the two of us. nothing Scratch & Dent +-+-+-+-+-+-+- Looking under rocks, for unknown things, And finding treasure chests. Looking in unknown places, and finding things, It's perfection. Searching for something, you don't know what, And finding nothing, but maybe that's it, Maybe that's what your searching for, nothing. Just something to lose, it's life's purpose. And you find a dream, only imperfect, It's dented with your fears, Scratched by your clawing fingers, Trying to wake up. It's a nightmare, it's life, It's what you were born for. To live, to die, to be nothing, Just another lost soul, searching for a cause. And you live your life, And you do nothing, like so many others. But that was your purpose, your dream, To be another nobody, a no-one. You fit in so well, your just like everyone else, You don't try, you don't care, And the only thing that matters is yourself, For you are a coward, your human. And all these tears you cry, for yourself. For your loss, you never think about anyone else. And you cry, not knowing of others' pain, Not caring that they could help you. Then in your old age, your last days, You think back on your life, You have done nothing, your a nobody, And you cry in vain, but it's your fault. You blame everyone else for your problems, When you should blame yourself, Your a coward, your a bigot, your just human. Just another scratch and dent human. nothing Screaming Silent +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- Ear shattering, bursting sounds, And silent please for help abound, And cries of pain, and tears of joy, All with the naivete of a boy. You cry and you scream and you die so young, Never knowing life or fun, And you laugh sometimes, all for yourself, At others pains child, you need help. You have seen this world, and known it's fears, You've known some love and shed some tears, But your still so young, and you don't yet know, That it's not forever child, one day you'll go. And you sit, screaming silent alone, You cry in vain, in your home, Your home, you did not earn, You have so much, yet you still yearn. And you never think of what you have, Just what you want, what you want, And you never think of what you have, It's so much child, how can you want. And you look at the old, un-caring, They have known more pain than yourself, And you take from the world, un-sharing, Not even stopping to care for yourself. And you've known little, other than pain, The pain you wanted, you brought on yourself, And you've shared little, other than shame, The shame you needed, you brought on yourself. And still you cry, though it's all your fault, You try to blame it on others, but you know, That your time has now come to a halt, You've wasted it, and now you must go. nothing Remember +-+-+-+- Remember the days, Remember the nights, Remember the love, Remember the fights, Learn from the past, And your love will cast, A shadow upon the lights. Remember the good times, Remember the bad, Remember the loneliness, Remember the sad, Learn from your heart, And your love will start, To guide you like a dad. nothing Dreams +-+-+- Shower us with gifts, And shower us with love, Fly up in the heavens, And soar there like a dove. Dream of all your treasures, And treasure all your dreams, And know your heart will guide you, No matter how it seems. Show your love; Don't hide it, And ponder what will come, If you get inside it, Your love will lead you on. nothing Boredom +-+-+-+ Boredom is laying with your eyes open trying to sleep, Boredom is the aftermath of a test, Boredom is waiting for love to come find you, Boredom is where eternity lies, Boredom is the key that unlocks a chest of truths, Boredom is life without pain, without suffering, Boredom is the lies we tell ourselves, Boredom is the hate we hold inside, Boredom is the love we want to hide, Boredom is lying alone in a lightless room, Boredom is where we lose control, Boredom is a phobia, Boredom is death. nothing The Love +-+-+-+- Look, another child brought upon us, Look into her eyes, so naive, Know, that she brings new love about us, Know, that one day now she will leave. Grown up, Grown out, watch her as she sprouts. She spreads her wings and flies up in the sky, Look up, look out, fill her mind with doubt. And she'll end up just like you and i. Look, at this new girl now brought upon us, Look, into her eyes, how she has grown, Know how much love she's brought about us, Know how much love that she has known. Grown up, Grown out, watch her as she sprouts. She spreads her wings and flies up in the sky, Look up, look out, fill her mind with doubt. And she'll end up just like you and i. Look, at this new woman brought upon us, Look, into those eyes, now who's naive, Know, how much love she brought about us, Know, that know it's time for her to leave. Grown up, Grown out, watch her as she sprouts. She spreads her wings and flies up in the sky, Look up, look out, fill her mind with doubt. And she'll end up just like you and i. Grew up, Grew out, we watched while she sprouts. She spread her wings and flew up in the sky, Looked up, looked out, filled her mind with doubt. And she ended up just like you and i. nothing Angora Sweaters +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Look at you, your nothing, your no-one, You look at me and say the same, But i try to make a difference, And we are not the same. Look into my eyes, and you'll see the years of my life, Years of happiness, pain, loneliness, and friendship, And you say you feel the same, but you don't, Because you are not the same, you are not me. You are a bug, an amoeba, just like me, You think that makes us the same? because we are small, That is nothing my friend, small, just as it implies, And yet you still call me a clone. I do not see you write, you do not open yourself to us, You sit back, and you criticize us, who are you for that? You are not a supervisor, a god, you are small, insignificant, You are human, surprise, look in the mirror. What do you see? yourself, you do not see me, And we are not the same, bonded by nothing, We are opposites, and you cannot argue, You criticize while i help. You argue, and tell people that they are like you, But you have not known their pain, you cannot dream their dreams, How can you expect to know them from anything else? This, life, we all live, is that what binds us? It doesn't, for it is not true, We do not live, nothing is real, Not you, your homes, your dreams, your critical accusations, And we don't care, you live as you wish, and we do not criticize you. Yet you still retort, You blame us for our problems, But i say no, there are no problems, only obstacles, You cannot blame us for obstacles we did not place, others placed. You will die some day, but not us, We will live forever in a world you can never know, In an eternity, an eternity that is not explainable in words, For it is everything and nothing at once, happiness, pain, hurt, loss, joy. And you still say you know us? i think not, You know nothing of our lives, dreams, hopes, fears, nothing, For that is what you are, insignificant, nothing, You make no impact, and so we are not the same. nothing Silence +-+-+-+ Why must we hear the noise? Why must we feel the pain? Why must we see the dead? Why must we go insane? We all live and, We all die and, We all sleep and, We all cry. But why must we, Go today? And why can't we, Find a way. To live together with ourselves, To leave each other to their hells. To find a way to stop the pain, To find a way to break our chains. To get our worlds to stay apart, To find a way to make a start. Let's find a way to make a home, So no longer will we roam, Let's find a way to stop this violence, And heal our wounds with peace and silence. nothing Halogen Lamp +-+-+-+-+-+- I'm laying here alone in my room, alone in my house, my world, And no-one knows me, i like it this way, i like privacy, And no-one cares about me, it's what i asked for, it's a dream, And no-one notices me, i can do what i want, i'm free. I'm alone, except for you, except for the one i love, And i believe in love, no matter what happens, no matter who disagrees, And i know it can last forever, if we try, if we make it go on, And i know it can fade away, to nothing, like our lives. I'm dreaming, of a better time, of a place where nothing is alike, And i believe it's peace, it's harmony, it's where i want to be, And i know nothing will judge me there, it's heaven, it's hell, And i know nothing will see me there, i'll be alone, like i am here. I'm wishing, you were here lying with me, and we were together again, And i wish that i knew you again, and you knew me, and we were in love, And i wish that you would look at me, but not with your eyes, look into me, And know me, know my dreams, know everything about me again. I'm laughing, at all these people here, for they are nothing, And they don't care about anything, they know no love, no pleasure, And they don't know anything, not facts, not feelings, And they are nothing, just filler, to make this world more crowded. I'm crying, for all the lost memories, the people who actually cared, And would still care, but they are gone, almost all of them, And should i still care, where they've gone, where they are, And should i care, if things don't work out, with everything. I'm dying, i'm falling from fate, i'm losing my game, And maybe i'm not, i'm winning it, but in another sense, And maybe it's for better, it's going to show me life, again, And maybe i will know true happiness, at last, i will know joy. And chaos strikes, changing everything, nothing is as it was, everything has changed, but the beauty, is the change, it's all the same, and i know it's life. nothing Preface to Walls of Shadow - Shangri-la +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ I am happy sad and confused but i know everything and i'm not so sure of whats real anymore i don't know anything anymore, lately everything is here but it's not it's like the world has left, or i have and i'm somewhere else, where i belong, and i like it here, it's so peaceful, and there's nothing to care about. I have found Shangri-la. Walls of Shadow - Shangri-la +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- I look through my castle; for my master; my mate, I look through it's halls; of shadow; of hate, I wonder whats real; whats made up; whats fake, And all i come up with; are shadows; my fate. I scream and it echos; down corridors; halls, I scream and it pierces; my eardrums; these walls, I shout 'cause im angry; im hurt; and im lost, And i've found my fate; its here; Shangrilah. nothing suicide shake +-+-+-+-+-+-+ i killed myself today to see if i could die but my wounds simply healed so i laid back down and cried its a bad disease a plague infests within and brings us to our knees and wrinkles up our skin we've called it 'life' for years but now we begin to see that death should not bring tears and that we can all just be nothing love is +-+-+-+ love is diving off of a 200 story building without a parachute no knowing if youll live or die love is looking deep into the eyes of another person and actually being able to see their soul love is blind and it doesnt care about outer or inner appearances and therefor love and hate may be one love is nothing and everything all rolled up into a tightly wadded chewing gum wrapper love is why many of us will live to see another sunrise and sometimes another sunset love is the reason that many of us are here in the first place and its a hell of a lot better than anything else this world offers love is everything you could want it to be and oh so much more like when you were small and looked in your fathers eyes love is the way you can be with another person and not care about anything else in the world love is burning to death at a charred wooden stake for the shear reason that someone doesnt like you love is the only the that can overcome any and all odds to bring to people together love is screaming at the top of your lungs just because you feel like doing it love is everything its heaven hell earth wind fire rain and most of all its nothing love is the only thing that can die with each passing day but can also be rekindled as a flame newly burnt out love is peace happiness joy doom death desire lust pain and all the other things life is full of love is often walked right by and you dont even notice for love is not as it appears love is a thing that can look you straight in the eye but untill you are open with it you will never see it love is you its me its everyone around us and its a dream but your wide awake only wanting more and a neverending day but it ends so soon just as life nothing Shaved Ice +-+-+-+-+- I stair at the wall and see shadows, Shadows, shadows of nothing, Shadows so dark and dreary they are frightning, And i don't know how to feel, You have not told me how to feel, I need you to tell me how to feel, I can't think for myself anymore, You have drawn me in now, And you control everything, even my thoughts. nothing Algonquin Tear-Drops +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- I never thought id miss my life, I never stopped to think, I never thought about my life, Or scrawled it down with ink, Ive just sat here, waisted time, Collected memories, And though ive written many a rhyme, Tis not nearly enough for me. So i sit and i think, And i think and i cry, And i cry and i think, What 't if i should die. Would i be missed by those that i love, And those that i believe love me, Or forgotten like god, all alone up above, Or lost in an old empty sea. And when ive gone for good, when ive died, gone away, Remember this poem, and remember this day, For nothing has changed me more than the night, And it seems now that'ive grown afraid of the light, So i look to the sky, to the stars in my eyes, And i know that its there, that'ill find paradise. nothing Writing on a Bathroom Wall Seen At Dusk on a Saturday Evening +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Been awake for days, and i don't know what is real, I've laid down here for hours, wondring what to feel, I know i've changed; i feel the same; but different if you know what i mean. My thoughts are wrong; but they feel right; inhuman; do you see? I can't think; i cant drink; sleep; eat; talk; walk; cry, Only sit and look with empty eyes at a world of blackness. I shudder; in seizure. I wonder if i'll wake up from this dream. And then i see it; like i should have so long ago, The secrets have been under my nose; all the years gone by while i wondered, Were waisted for here are the answers. Im reading between the lines now; where there are no words, Yet i still see rhyme and rhythm; meaning; thought, And everything makes sense to me now. It must be time; if i know everything, why should i live, There is no reason; everything is accomplished; and even the hardest tasks are but a chore. I sweep these old memories out of my mind like dust from a hardwood floor, And i start anew, my rebirth; a new century. Not long ago i'd have stared at you and seen only a person, But now i see a lifeform, an aura, a soul, and everything is changed, Even the animals seem to make sense to me; When they do the most trivial things. And it seems as if ive woken up from a long slumber to find everything has changed but myself, Its as if ive been dreaming my life for so long and never stopped to wonder why or how, And even music has feeling now; i want to dance; i want to be controlled by the music yet move myself; in a rhythm not my own. I just want to jump out of my chair and forget every worry i have ever known in my life and embrace this newly found happiness, happiness brought from sadness forgotten and yet remembered oh so well. And then, in an instant, i know who i am for the first time. I am alive, alive and full of hope and forgotten energy, And all that i must do is tap, tap tap, tap that energy and be envigorated. And so with that i lie back down to sleep, and wait for another day, And live in the future as if nothing mattered now. and i slumber, as i have never slumbered before; hibernation. nothing Relignancy +-+-+-+-+- I scream so soft into your ear, and you know i love you, I cry in your arms so sincere, I hold you tight, like you want me to, And i listen and let you shed not a tear. Maybe we are waiting for a better time, and a better place, Or maybe your just not ready, Or maybe im afraid, and only care about myself, But still, its you i love. Im so tired Im so tired Im so tired Im so tired go to sleep Listning to a thousand stories, Told by the cold night wind, It blows through the brush, through the trees, Then it stops and all's calm again. A howl is heard in the night, Far off in the distance as if its a thousand miles away, Yet its heard so clear, As if that howler where next to me. But as i turn to walk back inside i see it, A shadow on the doorstep, slowly coming ever so nearer, It inches closer, im frozen in a sense of frightened ecstasy, She is beautiful, long flowing hair the colour of midnight, Green, deep eyes, i feel as if im being drawn into them, I want to look away, i MUST look away, but i cant, Those eyes, oh, how i wish i could drink in their beauty, They are magical, so deep, so clear, and so full. She reaches towards me with a slender hand, and lightly caresses my neck, Then slowly pulls me towards her, our eyes locked in passion, I move so lightly, as if the movements are not my own, as if im floating, and being drawn into a deep black hole. She carresses my neck again and moves even closer still, I can feel her warm breath on my ear, sending sparks up and down my spine, And then a feeling of such utter pleasure and ecstasy as she slowly sinks her teeth deep into me, Its like a kiss so passionate, i am breathless. I feel the life slowly seep out of my body but i do not care, This is pure pleasure, and im frozen in her grasp, And as the last bits of my essence start to seep out, she backs away just as slowly as when she pulled me to her, She lightly bites her wrist, so delicate and slender. Then offers it to me, and i immediately lunge for her. I feed on her, the seconds feel like days, years, millenia, And even now i feel her life coursing through me, envigorating, And i hunger for her, for her essence, i drink it up like wine, And as she pulls away i hunger for more, i must have more. But just as i start to stand up from my slumped state, i collapse, My body shudders, and i fall into sleep, a deep sleep of nightmares, They seem to last for days, and when i wake up, i am back at home, In my bed, and nothing is out of place, and she is gone. And i sit up, and wonder if it all was or could have been a dream, Could there be anything so true and wonderous as that 'dream', And i go about waking up, and i glance by the mirror, And what i see shocks me, for i see nothing at all but the room around me. nothing Sundrops +-+-+-+- Sleep all day, sleep all night, sleep, Wake up in the sunlight, fall back to sleep, Wake up in the night, sleep, And die forever. Looking silent at the cieling, And wishing i could move, And wishing i could get over this, And wishing i could breath again. Weeks pass like seconds now, That ive grown so old. And the very seconds dont exist, And my mind is gone. I scream for release and to regain hope, But in vain and i recieve nothing, So i continue to lay in my self-induced paralisis, And i dream some more. I dream of better days when i wasnt so afraid, Of the light, the day, And when i could go out before dark, Even though it wasnt much fun anyway. And i dream on, of the night i turned, Nothing happened, but something changed, snapped inside, Like someone turning out the lights, so that i could learn to see the dark. At first i was blind and tried to look with my eyes, But it was of no use, my heart and touch must guide me, So that i may see whats truly there, And it was such a wonderful fright. Call me what you will, or dont Its nothing, that i am. Call me everything you want, Because i know the truth. I remember and i dream like a nightmare, memories ill never know again, but i dont care to know them, they are nothing to me now that i can see without light. And now that i know all that there is to see in a blind mans eyes, i can open them, and know all of what surrounds me, I can see its essence, an aura around it, showing itself to me, And i no longer need a guide. nothing Reality Check +-+-+-+-+-+-+ What am i, human, mortal, god, animal, You would say human at first glance, But the truth always hides in the shadows, Where our minds refuse to recognize it. Just take a look around and you will see things, And you will see nothing, But look with your mind and your heart, not your eyes, And absorb the insanity, the chaos, and you will find the truth. You cannot claim to be, When you can only show material proof, You cannot claim that anything is real, Without having seen what is not. Just as you cannot know what you know until you know what you do not, You cannot know what is real, until you know what isn't, Our feelings are not real, they are only how we think we should feel, Anything and everything is real, if we only think it is. Simply believe you can fly, that you can heal, walk, And you truly can, doubt is the only barrier, It is so easy to be immortal, and yet so impossible, And you call this insanity, openmindedness. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, As are possibilities, And truth, and reality. nothing Afraid to Let Go +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- Saturday evening, Thoughts full of wishes, Of new days, and understanding, I wonder to move on, But i want to hold on, And im so afraid, So damn afraid to let go, To let go of the day, Embrace the night, Forget the light, And its loves. Saturday night, I go out, and i pray, For a better day, When everyone understood, Me and my ways, Will never change, Like the wind will always blow, I, friend, will never go, I will live on to see forever, And the end, While you, my friend, Are condemmed to die. nothing Malignant Ecstacy +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Ecstatic i am now, Filled with pain and thought, Pleasure courses through me like a train, And i cry, I am human. Nothing brings me hope, But knowing that your there, Or that i know your not that far away. But all the joy is gone, Will it come back i do not know, Its stalled or is it dampened, By doubts. Dampened it is, By doubts and by another, Another to show me, That i am human. I look away in shame, I try to hide the pain, But nothing, Can hide this pain inside. Click my heels i dont return, Just stay in hell to burn, Whilst the wreckage churns, Its like a car crash. And nothing shows the truth, The truth that i once knew, Of happiness and a clear mind, It is gone for now away, Gone to a better day, Im saving for a time when ill be sure. So forget all i must, And live with only trust, In you and you, And you and you and me. So ill take things as they come, And do what i want, And ill enjoy, This Malignant Ecstacy. nothing School Days +-+-+-+-+-+ School has returned once again Again has it's massive depression hit us Again the double helix of work and stress has trapped us, Amid its many tentacles of despair And is nothing so sacred as freedom? Those that we would call teachers take from us our chance to explore on our own, And they force us again to learn, traditionally, Even when the true knowledge must be gained in life. They pull us back into these institutions of knowledge And trap us with books, and papers, and homework, Our lives crushed and scattered under the raging mob of society Only to be swept up and placed back into the cycle. nothing Street Walker +-+-+-+-+-+-+ Street walker Street walker Tell me your name Show me your weakness Ill play your game Any day you want to Show me your inside Show me your out Show me your sould little one Let it out!! And we can forget all our tears The lost loves We can cry for mother and not dwell on the past And fall in love There is no sun no sky, your dreams Are a lie, your screams are what is fun girl dont you know! So get down! get out of here go down and shed your tears like you did before Your as lost as i and not a bit too soon Coz i know what you want I know. And im here right now so take it! Ill reach in my pockets give you everything i own and walk the streets as you did alone so long ago it feels like a dream Everyone has a side a side of them they hide they hide so well well enough for everyone to see Its plain as daylight darkest night Alone in the park with a gun And you cry on a bench Yeah youve lived but who cares Yeah you can die but why try No one cares not even yourself so why go on on for another day you know its true That you Are someone no one else but you and your the only one who can do what you do and love like you do so ill stay another day and pray that day will never end. nothing Listen to the Tears +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Look up in the sky and cry in joy at all the life Smell the fragrance of the earth and sigh more beautiful that thy Listen to my tears fall down and scream loss is the greatest pain Remember and dream of days gone by You know as well as i theres still love and its so damn easy to find just look into MY eyes and youll see The greatest feeling is of love just cry in joy you know its true And nothing ever changes nothing remains the same but the days go by so quickly and i dont know why we are still waiting for the day when we'll sit down and find a way to live and die in peace with love and happiness So cry - You can do anything Just wish - Your tears are speaking as all your dreams come true nothing The Outcast +-+-+-+-+-+ Cloud cover, downcast, friday afternoon, He stairs alone as usual, Such beauty in those clouds, Yet no one ever notices, But the outcast. In a group of thousands, He stands alone, Silent and unmoving, But he does not seem to care, For he's the outcast. Its so strange, How no one notices anything, Until they are deprived of it. And its so strange, How no one seems to care, Until there's change. Those clouds, so beautiful, Appreciated by only one, They are the outcast. And i, as i stand alone, Seen, but unnoticed, I am the outcast. And if i were to die tonight, Then, would i be appreciated? : And if those clouds, were to float away, Then, would we see a clear sky? A clear sky, like a clear mind, Achieved only by being one, By being the outcast. And a clear mind, of an outcast, Is still not appreciated, So what will come of him? Will he float away like those clouds, To give way to a clear sky? Or will he stay there, To clutter the lives of those unappreciative of his beauty. Or will he just die, and be forgotten, like that which he is, the outcast. nothing Solidify Me +-+-+-+-+-+ Someone, anyone, are you there, Do you feel -- do you still care, Do you realize what is real, A dream, a vision, all's surreal. Im alone in a cruel dark world, Dont want to fight against it, Ill play along, in lifes cruel game, And i will feel no shame. Nothing is as nothing thinks, And i believe in nothing, And so i am, for i believe, Please -- solidify me. Screaching silent to a halt, And hoping to never stop, Listning intently to my thoughts, in this empty head of mine. Alone in thought, belief, in dream, Alone in all -- in all, it seems, Alone in my mind, alone in my eyes, Alone in yours, im not alive. Wishing for a better place, wishing for some time, wishing for -- ill never have, a feeling that is mine. I sleep -- i dream, of lifes true cause, and nothing i do find, I talk forever without pause, interrupted by man-kind. I die -- i sleep -- eternal dream, im happy -- quite -- at last, I die -- i sleep -- then i awake, unhappy -- quite -- depressed. My liquid thoughts are not my own, They sleep out steadily, My dreams i live on heaven -- earth, God -- solidify me. nothing A place to die +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Staring outside, of a second story window, Watching silent, As the cars go bye. I dont see, Anyone in here but me, but you, And my friend inside. Its so dark, And its so hard to see, 3 am, and i really need to sleep I dont know where ill go tomorrow I dont remember where i went today Ill drown my regrets in tears and sorrow And live life in yesterday Crying so long ive lost my tears in a puddle, at my feet. Ive lost my mind to reality, and i see, everything. So sad so dark, im in a dream a dream of hell forgone, Wishing silent for a prair and maybe some time alone. sweeping terror, pulls me in but i am not afraid i absorb it, through my skin and i am not afraid I embrace it, Make my home, My home amongst the trees the weeping willow, mockingbird my friends, amongst the trees so i listen to the mockingbird's song so full of regret -- like me wishing, i could start over, again, and die again, so now i see i dream i know illusion nothing a hatred of life +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ I have grown so lonely in this cold world of mine, i created it with only a wish to find another like myself; i've yet to find. And i miss myself, the only one i knew well enough to call a friend. Ive grown away, apart from the bone, my structure changed ive left the blueprint and gone on to live my life for the short time that i may. Theres nothing left to live for; yet i refuse to die, i cant go on another day telling lies like this to everyone theres nothing left. I try to form a picture; theres nothing there to see its just like a movie. a picture of me. I have grown disgusted of life and its harsh ways, and i dont wish to go on another day. Theres rhythm in the air yet i refuse to acknowledge it theres nothing left and i can see it all. My soul is gone; my will. my heart has turned to stone. Ashen remains - at my feet, as me. I wish to leave - to find a way to die without pain and to leave the hatred behind - yet i doubt i wont be missed. nothing Cemetery Ground +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Hallowed voices; breathing air Friday Night's so still I hear the call from underneath Can't help but freeze; stand still. Knees are shaking; giving out I'm sinking through the ground Slowly seeping; try to shout voice is empty; not a sound I'm crying now; so frightened And chilled down to the bone Accepting that i'll never see The light of day again nothing New Chernobyl +-+-+-+-+-+-+ Explosive light; corrosive heat Erodes the country side All things charred; and nothings left No where for me to hide Alone in life - been lost to death The remainder of the day A dream of peace and shattered hopes There's nothing left to say. nothing A day of rejoice +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ The veil was lifted long ago from my un-seeing eyes I began to understand it all and sort truth from the lies. That was the day you walked away not ever to return You left me my sweet child, dead You left me there to burn. I lost a life i'd grown to love to fates un-caring hand Began to walk through veils of mist clutching past in hand. But my remorse has left me now and i've begun to see So much was lost, but now is gained I know reality. nothing Helen +-+-+ A shattered teardrop, made of glass Lies broken on the floor, While sweet young Helen cries so soft Remembring days long gone. Poor young thing, sweet child of mine I long to comfort thee, But fate has drawn us far apart A bitter destiny. nothing Diluted +-+-+-+ Dreaming still i long to be another; anything but me but yet i wish to be no other. I cannot help be what i am i cannot live your life. no matter how i wish or hope im stuck inside this shell. If i could be something else T'would be no more than me. Content and happy yet depressed Tis how i wish to be. And waiting for another to come along And waiting for you to return And waiting to change for change life anew. I do not wish to be or to not be or to be un-being. Only to understand that word that simply word life. Wishing to know heaven Whilst im wishing to know hell. And dreaming of another life my own. I am content; happy - no b't'im here nonetheless. And ill be happy; s'long as you are by my side. My fried - my only friend can you tell me the answers can you tell me how you are not there and how you are. Can you show me heaven - show me hell and teach me all you know. Show me how - then dissappear to reappear next-day. nothing Shattered +-+-+-+-+ Broken glass upon the floor Broken dreams that are no more Shattered lies that you tell me Shattered truths that I can't see Splintered thoughts fall in my mind Splintered visions i can't find Crush my hopes, destroy my dreams Crush my mind and hear my screams My sanity's gone and i don't care Visions from hell that do not scare Life would cease that's all that mattered Then in the end all things lay shattered nothing A dream for peace +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ We hold our dreams like shattered glass afraid to let them slip We hold on to our nothings clenched in bloody grips We dream of death and heaven We dream of hell and earth We show up at your doorsteps And frighten you to death We are the children of the night The ones who know true peace The undescriminate ones who care not what others think For we are satisfied Listning to the looking glass and hearing all your tales And dreaming all your dreams because we are as one A feeling of pure joyousness it sweeps over me Lost in your dream of peace Gleaming like a diamond Caught in the sun A pale faced girl Caught in the sun She hides her skin yet still she burns inside out due to you your prejudiced against me yet we do you no harm And nothings so satisfying as to see us down the barrel of a gun So many hate and cry so many kill and die so many rape and hurt for only one that believes in the dream of peace You rape us just for fun your children do the same You tought them all they know yet you feel no shame I cry for you child for all your broken dreams I feel your essence all around so shallow still it seems to be more a dream of hope a dream of peace a dream of death of heaven a dream of hurt a dream of rape a dream of killing our children Our children of the night the ones who know true peace the undiscriminate ones who care not what you think for we are satisfied nothing Green +-+-+ Cloudless skies on cloudless nights reminding me of colder days They remind me of you my child my self. I always tried to catch you when you tripped on your own feet I was lost in your eyes -- their deep sea I could get lost in them today wake me up I remember smiling with you we'd laugh for a while and we'd sing i always tried to catch you but never caught more than air i tried to hold you so tight on those cold december nights when the sun scorched your skin And theres nothing left sucked away by the vampires and theres nothing left its all crumbled at our feet my sanity i remember a room without a light without a view those padded walls so dark and white are burned into your mind i tried to hang you hang myself without a rope -- i failed I slit my wrist with rubber knives and you slit your wrists too We drank from each other until those wrists were sore Its torture, and you keep me so far away but no longer -- im in control no longer i see a light down at the end of the tunnel -- but its not there I see a light in our blackout a candle flame burns bright and seers my eyes nothing Lucidity +--++--+ Forget your self your hopes your dreams and come and take a walk with me upon the sand upon the lake the mountaintops so lush and great nothing is sacred nothing is clean its all a dirty lie nothing is meaningfull its all a dream no matter how lucid its everything that life could be and oh -- its so much more a song -- a prayer a king -- a queen its all you are and more its everything everything everything everything and its all fading away its going going going gone the home teams lost again its a competition of the bloodiest sort where the blood shed inside out the wounds are fresh and oh so sore your heart has been ripped out its crying crying crying soft so subtle its dying dying dying poor child -- gone away again its your every wish come true all the deaths -- the dreams -- the catastrophies and every one takes you down down down down nothing what i missed +-+-+-+-+-+-+ every chance i ever took was worth it now to me and though i missed so very much i still believe that i chose the right path ive known myself for so long and known you longer still it seems like yesterday -- it was that i saw you i never wanted it to end never thought anything could feel so right but lying there -- with you resting your head i knew all was right tell me -- do you feel the same tell me -- do i know what im feeling tell me -- could it ever be ive been told for years that i -- was everything hated every second -- with them expecting so much now -- being nothing -- i know what life is and i think i like it these thoughts of mine sound so right they sound so innocent so pure its hard to believe they are my own i still smell you -- i believe i always will i still hear your voice -- so soothing -- like your here i will wait -- to try and understand what it all means and perhaps we shall embrace -- and fall together -- forever nothing danse macabre +-+-+-+-+-+-+ holding your hand and lying so still i long to hold you at every moment staring -- your eyes, they are like stars they glitter, they shine, and they are so beautiful you lift up the blade that provides our life our sustenance, that sweet blade i give you my wrist and you dive in so nervously causing me pain -- such sweet joyous pain theres nothing that could stop me now you've taken me too far now, and theres no stopping me teetering, tottering on the edge of emptiness i know that you'll save me -- you'll give me your life you suck at the wound that youve made so delicate please dont ever stop -- the feelings intense and now as i'm floating on these clouds so high above i remember again how you said you could love me there was another in both of our lives they kept us apart -- and now they do know it for we are together -- forever -- at last and nothings so wonderful as being with you nothing birds don't fly in the winter time +--+---+-+--+---+----+--+---+-+--+ birds don't fly in the winter time for fear their wings may freeze they fly away to where its warm along the gulf stream they dont seem to notice what they have left behind and they dont seem to care or dream of what comes once they're gone the few exceptions to this rule surviving however unbelievable upon nothing for there is nothing a blanket of white and no leaves to hide amongst nothing to feed on no way to live they do not die but persurvere no matter how unbelievable it is their nature lets take ourselves to hell and see if we'll survive but we will not for it is not our nature we cannot survive change we WILL NOT survive change for we cannot survive what we refuse we cannot grow without change we WILL NOT grow without change we must sit in our degenerate hovels and dream of what can be doing nothing about it and not caring about what could be for like the birds we dont fly in the wintertime nothing this is not quite what i had expected +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ this is not quite what i had expected i did not plan to see you standing here nor did i plan to see you again i had thought it was over i thought wrong you always said nothing could keep you away nothing did, perhaps he still is you said that you would always love me do you now? were your words true? my heart was pounding seven hours i dreamt of hell on earth i was so far away yet here -- i do not know what i expected but it wasn't this this is not quite what i had expected not today nor yesterday but you came anyway you were not invited here by me but you came anyway you knew you weren't wanted here by me but you came anyway i told you there was another you told me the same but i knew you were lying -- and you knew the same of me too well do i know you and you me i remember you i remember you standing in the rain -- both of us soaking wet but we were in love and warm on the inside -- we were still wet sickness overcame us and took you away i still regret that rain i still regret that love it was not quite what i had expected nothing away, dead, gone, and deceased +-+-+-+-+-+-+--+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ away, dead, gone, deceased the spirituality of current days away from those i have known so long and close to others ceasing to exist away from the mortal world and living in the present other than the future the past time of present days, or of the future what the hell are you thinking now what the hell do you think you are now as you listen to rambling to silence to nothing me! hah.. hah.. hah.. look at all of this it isn't anything special what the fuck are you looking for a new life? a new way to exist? a new way to show yourself off? hah.. i say again i laugh at you i send my dearest condolences to your mother your father your.. no goodbye now my brethren my sisters my .. nothing i bid you adieu nothing another christening ------------------- another's born brought forth from the bitche's womb she does not want him only another mouth to feed another year of sore nipples and another screaming child to quell like putting a black cloth over a birdcage she dreams murderous dreams of the child of the father, who would always love her -- as long as it was in his interest anyway. But "That's not my child." is the only line he knows now and he has gone away. stupidity -- ignorance -- insolence the mind, body, and soul of our modern race the line that marks originality has faded and is no more the only care they have is popularity. nothing Wither ------ Do i wish to die as i am now? a shell Do i wish to go on living? Do i care about this world? this hell and all it's idiot people I don't care anymore about your lives, they were always so uninteresting. I don't care anymore about your lives, do you truly think they are worth living? Do you truly want to go on living? Do you think that you could sell your soul? for a profit Do you wish to keep it for yourself? and do you think it's worth it? Wither into the grave -- your six feet under rotting away Do you really miss your life -- you know death was the ONLY WAY. nothing to the reader ------------- aghast, i stare at your shapeshifting noncorporeality molding itself into whatever i want it to be. but i am not the true artist. only the corporeal essence which allows this art to take shape. the reader, the viewer, the listener who is only the interpreter for an alien sound. You decide what art is, and what it shall be. You decide who -- what -- is an artist by viewing their creations. You breathe, speak, listen, think, hold all that we create. IF we let You. but do not judge completely, for You are not omniscient and cannot have the complete knowledge to make such. let the artist judge. nothing nothing no more --------------- nothing no more no less maldoror is undead the light in the hall is now off and so is the light in my heart. nothing no more nor forever maldoror's rose once again the pain in my eyes has took over and the pain in my heart is no longer. nothing has gone far away maldoror's taken his place the form thusfar i have taken is gone -- from the face -- of this earth nothing has left us to die now maldoror's joined us for good the dark is absorbing my pain now and at last i know where i fit in. maldoror away (my hell) -------------- i loved for 12 days you loved me for 8 changed your mind and now your away for good i lost all the inhibitions of a flower with you. all this, only to watch you walk away at the end of what i could consider the best week of my life. and now i fall back into ripe yellow fields of rape and i sumbmit and i scream as i burn. i remember happieness for one final moment before at last slipping down into the abyss that is hell. i remember the night. i still have the scars you know. touching them brings tears to my eyes in remembrance of those few moments of ecstacy. i sit in the dark, alone i can hear no sound. nor do i feel anything -- at all my hell is not one of fire nor one of ice. it is a world in which there is no feeling. a world without love is a world without hate a world without peace is a world without war a world without impurities is a world void of purities and a world without any of these is a world where one has total control over nothing -- which is everything my hell maldoror into conciousness ----------------- i lie like a bird then i float like a rock as i listen to the sound of emptiness. i dream like a fish after counting all my chicks not caring if they'll ever hatch. i shoot out the moon with a loaded index finger and i watch as all the stars come crashing down. i cry like a roll of tape and stick out my tongue for all the world to see. I walk around the walls in a room without boundaries never stopping never sleeping never dying never caring about the world and all of it's beautiful misfortunes this nothing that i love and everything falls apart my seams sew themselves back together and i fade away back into conciousness for one final time maldoror the effects of charisma on the general population ------------------------------------------------- the effects of charisma on the general population are quite interesting. one can get anyone to do anything. if one sets one's mind to the task. i made you read this. or did you make me write this. i the poet.. create for you? or is it because of you? would i write without an audience? fish. seventeen of them, knocking at my window. i summoned them you know. but nothing is ever as it seems. did they want to be summoned? they are dying, out of water. of course they don't want to be here. or do they want to die? do they long for an end to it all as i sometimes do? fishy. fish fishy fish fish fish maldoror 31 orifices ----------- oh hamburger buns, i've gone and done it again. gotten you all miffed, but i say again fine sir, nothing is wrong! we are all the same here. here we are, 31 of the most precious fucking orifices known to man. which one do you prefer? personally i like the humple-dirg wobbledy-jig. so tight. watch out for those teeth though! small enough to fit in a jumbo jet, yet able to give such great pleasure. amazing, isn't it? but oh wait, here it comes! the new prototype has finally arrived! what do you think of it? at a loss for words i see, i figured as much. this baby will even put to shame that little wonder which i just showed you. this thing will give a parapelegic an erection. what do we call it? well, we actually don't know yet. oh, i'm sorry, your time is up. maldoror the return of better days ------------------------- return return back again, oh how i have missed thee love love you, i know it for certain now and i will never forget the songs you sang to me on cold nights and i will never forget the way you you you YOU love? do i know the word like a brother a sister i know that word better than myself but do i know you? do i? do you strive to be unpredictable? do you strive to control my emotions? you say you've lost interest i say i've lost control you say nothing, but your eyes your eyes say so much so much green green seas -- i float here the broken body of a man that once was I maldoror DEAR ______, ------------ mY SWEETEST FRIENd MY cHerISHED ENEMy SHOW ME alL THE SIdES THAT MaY BE SEEN tEAR DoWN YOUr WALLS FoR ME LET ME INSIDE MY TRUE LoVE MY ONLY LOVE ShOW ME ALL THE CrAcKS INTO WhICH I MAY CReEP I WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU AGAIN I LONG TO BE INSIDE YOU AGAIN MY UNACCEPTING LOVEr My ONlY TRUE FRIEND, whAT SHALL WE DO ONCE YOU HAVE FINISHED THIS TIME SHALL I JUST WALK AWAY AS BEFORE? YOU KNOW I SHALL STILL LOVE yOU love you love _______ <_>---<_> love <_-'^'-_> '-,-' death and apathy ---------------- death and apathy the two all-surviving integers of our race there is nothing that these two soldiers, whether alone or together cannot survive an occasional thought may strike us, and we may consider how great it would be to love. to feel. to care but that fades and even those thoughts die there is nothing but nothing in this world of lies which we have created we decieve only ourselves, for no one else may live in our world we forbid them we always shall forbid them you may dream and you may wish and yearn for a better life but the truth is that you do not want it. the truth is that you know that there is nothing in this world that can truly make you happy you don't want to be happy, and so you shall never be you do not want anything but to be satisfied with yourself and when you don't care that becomes so very easy suicide is tempting the blade is so keen, the bullet so quick, the noose so tight and you consider it, if only for a moment. or an eternity. or a lifetime but apathy denies you even this even this requires too much effort. even this is too much for you and your pale white, and deathly androgenous body so you lie nothinihtonothinihton and you rot othin ihtothi nihto and you weep thingnihthingniht and you sleep hingnothingnoth you slowly age ing gning gni slowly grow old nothinihton knowing that one gningning dark lonely night your paths unknown isisi destination unknown sss your final wish will be granted and your lll quest at long last eeeee completed you may fffffff finally sail out ttttttttt uncaring of all things and not inininininini posessed by a nin ninin nin mortal being or anything the ehthe eht other than hh h hh your true e e e e e immortal n nn ndien nn n genius. dnend dnenend dnend maldoror no, my love, i do not know thee ------------------------------- no, my love, i do not know thee nor have i ever known thee i have attempted and those attempts have been thwarted and your walls remain intact but i beseach thee, love show me your soul show me what is inside show me all those things that you are afraid of all those things you make yourself afraid of your phobias are created by no one but yourself and your loves and lusts are created by the same i would show you anything and i have told you the same on occasion when the moon was as full as our bodies were of each other i gave you my heart and that heart was my soul. and that same soul was my all and that same all was my self. maldoror mask ---- i wear a mask to cover my face a half they cannot see a mask of black -- a mask of white or grey if you prefer it hides my tears from prying eyes -- my scars from people's stares it hides my eyes & all their pain from mirrors which show the truth come near, come near, my one true love and i'll remove my mask for you come near, come near, don't be afraid for our love can conquer all. i'll show you pleasure to fight the pain you'll float on clouds above the sky i'll show you things you've only dreamed and then content you shall die maldoror return to the earth ------------------- empty hearts don't beat vultures, werewolves patient scavengers bodies dancing in their graves dying without protest again. see him laugh, a clown evil in his sleep. murderer. look, another one die on the turntable skipping, skipping a child's laughter is heard above the noise of the fire in the church a child's laughter ceases they are dying so are you a child's laughter sickens two, three, four, five count them as they fall laugh at them as they fall cry for them as they rise up to return to this worl again to one final day, return to the earth. maldoror u conutqu --------- the day you were born was a bad day you grew up and quite quickly you said your first words and walked and you learned about love but you forgot soon and as you aged you never ever knew about how great life could be or how sweet could be its re- wards. only cared about yourself, and YOUR needs and wants but mostly wants, for your needs were always taken care of. By myself. maldoror unmoving (seperated fourth) -------------------------- sit alone bored to tears i cannot dream here, nor even make an attempt at sleep. cry out softly in my mind for that i have lost -- am losing. scream in silence i don't care look back on apethetic days in wonderment they're here again geliebte geliebte i am drawn away again -- from you maldoror geliebte -------- i dreamt of you again last night i dreamt of strawberries and lavender of kissing and fucking and of everything i love (you) you were up again, as was i and then you sank back down when it was done perhaps it is the way it shall always be now tell me, is it worth it to you? i would suffer anything for but a few moments of happiness with you. but it always begins to rain when the fires start for one last time i ask you, my self, my one, my all, could you ever fully decide and love me without pause? maldoror glep ---- hello world, having a wonderfully fucked up day today i see. can i ask you a question? no? well fuck you then, i'll ask anyway! why are people so comples? why can't they pick one thing and stick with it? why can't they just make up their fucking minds about what they want? let me guess, your not going to answer right? that's what i figured. no one ever helps me when i want it. sure, when i want to be alone everyone is there trying to console me. Go the fuck Away! I know god-damn well that you have problems of your own, so go fucking attend to them and leave me alone with my depression! maldoror reflections ----------- oh the bitter irony of life how sweet it is with it's what? misfortunes? misery? malignant happiness? no. who am i? who do you say i am? where have all the pretty little horsies gone now? now. . . now that you have gone away to some other place and left me here to rot. rot. . . rot in your grave beneath the stinking gnoddo vines.. beneath the snow. snow. . . snow outside so pure and white, as you in your black dress of purest silk. silk. . . silk was your skin up until that fatefull day when you were left a husk in your grave. grave. . . grave emotions in my heart on the day i finally said goodbye. . . goodbye maldoror pac‚ ---- i was born too late to a world that did not care. and i have become almost as apathetic as is possible. so do not cry for me, for you are wasting your tears on nothing. i do not want your help, so do not offer it, or i shall refuse. ask me no questions, for i will never care to return your conversation. i wish only to sink down into this earth and become one with the dead. maldoror rest ---- the cloud of unknowing writhes and spins above me as i sleep in the rains that never cease. in my mind i see only one thing and it's nothing that i wouldn't have expected at a time like that when all the leaves are dead and a warm wind blows to combat the cold dark depth of the womb. i stir and awaken to a sight so red and bloody, like a thousand timed closeup of a strawberry. i see hitler and stalin and walt disney singing together a psalm that makes me want to fry some fish. and then i notice that the great, bloody and bruised veil of this world has lifted for the last time and now i can finally see the emotional insides of all that surrounds me. maldoror out? in? other? no. ------------------- grey skys above and grey rocks below. only white in between where i lie beneath the snow. all that is here is all that is not here. what we know is that which we do not know. fly away, into the sun. there is no death, there is NO dead, here. i lie. i Lie. we are not afraid but of knowing of nothing, but nothing. we are not afraid of dreaming of nightmares we worship not your gods we conform not to society we wish only to be ourselves. walk away as the day ends and a fresh night begins. pray for me freya, loki, odin. pray that i may know all, mother pray that i may be quick and mischievious, friend pray that i may rule, father. glass eyes -- black heart. golden limbed and inflamatory. grecian skinned and peacock feathered, and cock-eyed in my grievances. cold, dark, and golden, light, lambent stars waiting to die & be reborn to greater things. you die -- we all die. all things wither in the end. tell me, my love, is this what we have waited for? maldoror patient scavengers ------------------ do you see the cadavers dancing? scavengers, carrion, patiently waiting, and watching the end, as it nears so swiftly friend, love, love, do you hear my blood flowing? it's for you, my life. a knock, a knock! no, run, hide (quick) in here, hurry. theres no one here. . . here. but patient scavengers. waiting. . . waiting . . . waiting . . . for the end. let's pretend maldoror surface ------- look close, look close away from light at me souls cry we all want something i. . . i want your lie again. . i . . shall be content then hope to die. silently i . . . i sigh. sadness overwhelming me. i . . can't take it i just can't take it anymore maldoror ininin ------ speak to me friend, i only wish to talk. i do not worship, nor do i truly care. blackrose, artique, return my words. or if you will not, then tell me but to leave. maldoror requests of a happier man ------------------------- whistler, please stop. this is not as it is. an illusion, what do you make of it? a dream -- STOP Start -- 5 -- 7 - 2 - 1 - cat the animals are in an uproar cry with me -- NO Yes - Dog - 3 - 4 - 8 - 6 - 5 7 9 KJMCV what do you think of me now? love? burn crosses, burn crosses. a stake & garlic. a rare delight. scream with me Please -- GLEST Tselg vi mat! Tsi Chi! master -- master -- master slave? maldoror the raven's song ---------------- a shot, a shot a scream, a scream a cry, a cry a dream, a dream seven thirty -- AMP never caring about anything seven years, it seems so long i dream, i dream, a raven's song. mr. happy, mr. sad i don't care for what you've had false emotions don't matter when you know the truth life, death, infinity grasping ahold of me i don't care anymore i set out from the shore but i can't swim maldoror (happy) birthday ---------------- sixteen long years now i've lain by the shore. not learning to swim, nor wishing for more. for sixteen long years i have been content and now You scold Me for reaching out to grasp the sun. in waiting arms! i wish to fall -- forever. sixteen long days now i've longed for your touch. i've not eaten nor slept nor dreamt but once for sixteen long days now you've lain by my side. your deathbed's been made up -- my beautiful bride. maldoror love? ----- nothing ever works out quite the way you plan it and everythings so shallow in the end when your living for the moment nothing matters but pleasure, pain and feelings so unreal. love is blind, or so they say a lie! a lie, that is i say for i know love's eye is keen. come unto me, come into me, come be with me, come show to me all the things your hiding from come lie to me, next to me, be at my side, come now with me, give to me someplace to hide love is a game of losses and gains to gain, you must lose when you are not willing to lose, nothing may be gained. have i ever truly felt? do i want to? love? i wouldn't know. maldoror to misery --------- old friend, you are not forgotten. i shall see you soon, i swear it. it has been so long, many months since i last looked upon your face. but i have not forgotten. no . . . i have not forgotten. known you for nearly seven years have i. and called you a friend for most. certainly not a bad relationship here, one of the best i have had. more than almost anyone, i can truly call you a friend. maldoror dead stars fall --------------- she is lost, yet never known in the truest sense of the word unless one may be known in but a few moments and that most certainly may be possible oh how i feel, how i wish it were how i wish that i could just be lying there with you again staring into your brown heavy-lidded eyes wishing for nothing in this universe for at that moment, that one moment i had everything, and for once in my life i felt truely satisfied i felt truely satisfied that i had found a soul that i had found my one life-long friend that i had found my god-sent mate yet it was only that night, and now i must resort to dreams to be with you again, but these dreams oh they are only that dreams and they are not the same i want more, oh god give me more show me my love again, if even for a moment but one moment would give me reason enough to live a day a year a decade a century a millenium send me but a dream and i shall be yours forever we shall soar through these desecrated heavens and we shall be as one for a moment, an eternity we shall fly through blackest night we shall walk through the darkest glade we shall confront all our fears together and then we shall plumit down to this earth again as we always must we shall live forever we shall confront eternity falling we shall not be afraid there, oh no for our stars fell long ago as all forgotten things must die as all unneeded things must fall as all crops must wither and rot so those stars must fall and die -maldoror all the wheels in all the world stop turning -------------------------------------------- jesus?.. can you hear me? so many years, so many tears cried... mostly in vain. I ask you now for a sign of well being of whatever nothing is the matter and nothing is wrong i ask that you bless those that do not bless themselves i ask that you bless those god?.. are you up there? the picture of innocence has faded the unbelievers look on laughing as you are unveiled upon the cross the blue-black steined wood is splitting under even your feeble weight you have been nailed down to the purest of trees and you have accepted all the worlds sins as your own to create the worlds sins the only true godlove falls upon that which we cannot be sure exists the only true god is that which does not exist this is where i die this is where all caring ceases this is where all laughter ceases this is where all crying ceases this is the end this is the beginning this is the new age this is the dawn this is not you this is not anyone this is not for you this is not for anyone this is when we all desist this is when all wars end this is when all joy falls away this is when all dreams fall apart my life is your life unshared and unsharing -m shadows ------- shadows, ghosts, writing in the dark a thought escapes from my lips and i wish i could take it back. but i know i cannot. locked in dormitory dreams. all these are ghosts, mirages, miracles send by My god himself to help retain my sanity. a friend is met. he helps to take away some of this incomprehendable group that now surrounds me, but in the end even he is just a shell. -m hooks ----- stinking pits of refuge i lie in wait for something i do not know for something that shall never come there are 3 ways to go about anything waiting, watching, acting all are easy all are deadly all are all we have. there is nothing one can do aside from wait anymore. wait for a new day, a new beginning, or wait for something new to come along to take the pain of the old day away. on life, on death, on this painful cycle of existance, we are all hooked. -m the grey days ------------- oh mother, great mother please tell me why all these people around me will grow old and die tell me the reasons and give them the cure so that all may be acceptable to me give me a reason and give them a cure so that i may grow older in peace give me a reason and give them the cure so that i'll be the last one to fall. -m cocatapetl (half remembered, half forgot) ----------------------------------------- i met you, i saw you, i told you your name we talked and we listened, we sat and we sang it's strange, yes, it's odd, yes and sadly it's true but though we've just met, already i miss you. i don't know what this is, don't know that i care but i feel something missing inside i don't know why this is, don't know why i care but it hurts me to let so much go, when i have so little here. but theres nothing that either can do and theres nothing that either can say but i'll start now by saying goodbye and i hope to see you again. james dreaming of ice --------------- my dear lost love, where are you now? over some distant cloud or on some distant beach from i, listening to the waves as they crash upon the shore, or staring off longingly into the distant distance wishing only for a few last moments together to express true feelings. perhaps all of this is my illusion and perhaps this feeling one-sided, but though we have spent but an evening, this emotion is lifetimes strong. -m the coming of age ----------------- mother, father, dearest deceased how i miss thee how i long for thine embrace how i have longed for long.. and long you were dead before i was born so long before you have longed for this day long.. and long my coming of age has arrived and now i break away as i did so long ago. -m don't want to die today i want to live -------------- don't feel like dying today because i finally found something worth living for i don't want to die today because i finally found something worth haning on for it's been too many months since happiness it's been too many years for me it's been too many nights with no one to love it's been too many months for me don't feel like dying today it's the greatest feeling i know theres nothing out that's gonna bring me down when i get my hands on you -m long ---- swimming amidst great oceans of blood i think of you walking among great black trees i dream, only of you. flying through giant cotton-white clouds i envision you and staring long and hard into your eyes i kiss you these dreams great black dreams empty of all but thought and i can thing of nothing but you these days great black days i walk amongst crowds of thousands and they all wear your face and they all answer to your name. i swim into you i walk unto you i fly through to you i love you -m red dreams ---------- swirl -- spin -- fall and die to be reborn in our next lifetime sleep -- dream -- wake and cry some things are not meant to be nights are long when one can't sleep. the road so long for those exhausted. colours so much more beautiful to the blind and ambient sounds so wonderful for the deaf blessed are those who bless themselves tortured, those who put their faith in another the roads are long for those who walk them and pathways are blurred for those who run -maldoror nihil.. nihil.. sleep.. sleep ------------------------------- my child, how thou art dead innocence has faded here if there's a god.. if there is a god where is she now the sky rips open and the entire heaven is filled with weeping angels they weep for this small thing this boy this childe this nothing so much importance placed on something so troublesome unwanted, unneeded, uncared for, unloved look now unto it and tell me is this childe not more beautiful now? and i wake and i laugh such a dream such a.. that that was exactly what i would have expecteed here this is exactly what should be here the light outside my window shines in the sun blinds me for a moment and i begin to wonder i begin to contemplate should i shut those blinds such a pointless question, but i do not wish to move so i do not. is that all you have? give it to those without for it could do us no good i wish to ask you a question... -m