t▐o r

the cooler." <-- 3leetest title ever

l#09

There is a cooler in my basement, and frankly

scares me.  Not that coolers in general scare

me, but this particular one does.  My m
om bought this

cooler last week, and it has all of the new c
ooler

gadgets, what gadgets can be on a cooler is p
ast me.

Yes, it's definatley a top of the line
model, and that

is very rare in my house.  We never
have a top of the

line anything.  Nothing is never
new, either.  Our house

is so old, it came with its own dungeon, tort
ure rack

included.  But this co
oler, see, is just stupid.  It's

roughly
the size of a buick, but due to its 'Extra

insulation" and "flavor keepers", it has the
volume on

the inside of a softball.  Just a look at it
and I

art to hyperventialate.  Hyperventilation is indeed

a mystery of nature, just like mouthwash and
country

western music.  When yo
u hyperventialte, you have too

much oxygen in your blood
, so your brain dosent tell your

lungs to breathe wh
ich can be useful underwater, but then

you may pass ou
t, which can also help you out underwater

unless you forget where
you are and try to breathe

again.  But this cooler, which probably cost
about the

same as a large,
high grade strategic military weapon, has

a button on the side of it
that not only opens the thing up,
but also starts
some kind of chain reaction in which you get

this huge light and laser show (with theme mu
sic that

sounds like the theme song from "Th
e A Team") that takes

approxamitely 43 minutes, and during
all of this, the lid

is STILL opening.  Then some b
ears with muzzles and clowns

and all sorts of circus related beings and ra
ndom woodland

creatures climb out of the cooler. Remember,
despite its
volu
me, which is comparable to a grapefruit, somehow mana
ges to
fit all of these things inside it
.  Must be in the way you pack
things, I guess, but then again, it may be a governme
nt conspiracy.  But I can'ttalk about the government,
becuase I'll hyperventialate, and we can't have THAT
,now can we?