_______ ▌e c l i p s e
# 0 8   W E L C O M E  T O  S M U R F L A N D !

well, here we are again.  another eclipse pack, another
eclipse infofile.
but - one difference: i'm writing the infofile again! (hey r
ai.. might wanna
tighten up on the security. buahaha!) .. anyways, as we stro
ll through the
central park of the scene.. .

as many of you know, eclipse is officially dead after yo
u read this.  THATS
RIGHT! *YOU* ARE CAUSING ECLIPSE'S DEATH BY READING THIS!  R
EAD EVERYTHING
BACKWARDS TO REVERSE THE PROCESS!  sheesh.

we lost some guys and we gained some people too.  strang
e that people want
to join a dead group, but oh well.. thats THEIR problem.. no
t mine. ;)  anyways,if someone's name was in the memb
erlist and isn't this time, or vice-versa, you you sh
ould know what that means. (and if you dont, heres a t
ip: it means you
need to format your HD.. or get acid to do it.)

oh yeah.. and i'd like to give a big hug to eerie and fl
ame for actually    taking the time to doodle us some
thing for the LAST ECLIPSE PACK! wait, why am
i hugging you? THAT WAS BAD! VERY BAD! YOU MUST PRETEND TO H
ATE US TO SHOW YOUR
LUBBIN!^@$% .. ugh. oh well. =)

whiteraven (whoa, a new guy!) wants to be sure he's the
*first* to report
some of the news for the month.  you'll see this stuff here
before ABC, CBS, or NBC even finds out about it! (whi
teraven is striving to be the world's next big report
er.  he hopes to one day work for eclipse's favorite n
ewspaper, the
national inquierer.) here goes:

- cheeze, rai, and whiteraven went to a neighbor's hous
e, and proceded
to throw inflated sheep over his fence.  sadly enough
, the duo
thought rai to be a sheep as well, and tossed him ove
r too.  fortunately
rai was not badly injured.  a few head injurys never
hurt anyone.

- splatt goes out to buy his first cd other than moriac
hi and mexican
music...but again, to his dismay, the store didn't ta
ke pesos instead
of american dollars.  sorry splatt :)

- torgo sucked in a tank of helium and died.  just kidd
ing.

- *news flash* a giant winged demon appeared over grand
rapids demanding
that rai and splatt be fed to him.  the end of ecl?
more at 11..

- sirdeath and lago were seen fleeing a seven11 with a
slurpee machine,
a bag of pretzels, and a carton of smokes.  we don't
condone that kind
of behavior, but they better share with us anyways :)

- diez cut the brakes on a hundred schoolbuses througho
ut michigan.
upon doing that, sealed the fate of spear, smokey, an
d bold, who were
on their way to a decent education.  whiteraven was a
lso in a wreck,
and survived.  diez left for cuba quickly afterwards.

wow. now wasn't that swell. =)

i want to take this breif moment to thank pushead for th
is great picture!
it's things like these that make us here at eclipse proud.

isn't it great?! you

ncha'

ou really,

REALLY love us! ..

erm.. i was going to

put somethin
g exciting

here, but i can't

so phuwee

since this is the last

pack, we decided we'd

you about the

secret underground
soul manager -->

ortress we have been

haring with the

michigan militia.  in

it, we discovered that

orgo had a 'problem'

keeping his pants

'clean' to say the

least. j
eez torgo. =)

the fortress is
located at 47°east, 52°north.  oh. wait. i don't think i was
suppos<click>

**emergency message from warpus!**(help me?) ..

OH SHIT!@%$!@% warpus died in a freak accident with a curlin
g iron. so here's a little message from that goofball
ewheat!%#@$!#@

I decided... "everyone in Eclipse and the scene shou
ld own a Nintendo
64... not just the rich poopy-headed people like Tguardian"
So I made a info

file on how to get free Nintendo64's... weRD!@#  hAPPY!@#

--- list of things you'll need ---
scissors!@
construction paper (brown, orange, yellow) lOTS oF tHEM!@  (
if yer fat...
moRE oF tHEM)
a refridgrator cardboard box
a red t-shirt
a magnum 44
uhm... gLUE!@
-  uhm... get them now1@  grr!@  -

Cut a buncha circles with the brown construction pap
er... gOOD joB!@#
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!@#  Paste -ALL- of your orange/yellow pa
per on the card
board box... (be sh0re to make two holes in the box, becuz y
ou're gonna hafta
go in the box... yep)  paste the circles on the box... gOOD
jOb!@%!@#  DEWD!
YER BECOMING ELITE!@#%@#%  Put the red t-shirt on the cardbo
ard box... then
use the magnum 44 and write "Geoff" on the t-shirt... the fr
ont... not the
back... (the front is where the holes are... the two holes..
. the ones you
cut, remember?)  put the box on you.  NOW DONT YOU LOOK PROF
ESSIONAL?!@  DEWD
NINTENDO64 IS ALMOST heRE!@#%

Then goe to toys-r-us near to you... do not be start
led if kids start
running towards you... just give them warez and they'll go a
way.  It's
regular procedure.  Start bouncing around honking and squeak
ing.  Goe around
"hI *HONK* EYE'M GEOFF THE GIRAFFE!@# ......... uhm........

HELLO!@#%!@#%!*@#(%&  *HONK*  *SQUEAK*  *HI*!@#  ARE YOU A T
OYS-R-US kID?!@#
HI!@#  HELLO!@#%"  it'll take a little social engineering be
fore you'll be
able to get to the topic... "*HONK* SAY HEY, WHERE ARE THEM
NINtENDO 64's
LOCATED AT?"  usually they'll tell you it's locked behind a
door... ask for
the key... "no"  "*HONK* BUT I'M GEOFF THE GIRAFFE!@  HI!@#%
!@#  HELLO!@#%!@#
I AM TOYS-R-US!@#"  They'll give you the key.  Then you go i
n the door.
Steal one of those boxes marked "Nintendo64"  (YES, THAT'S W
HERE THE NINTENDO
64s ARE THERE!@#  YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!@#)  Put them under th
e cardboard box
with you... make sh0re you hold tight so they dont fall on t
he floor
(Nintendo 64s are really fragile)  Make your way out of the
store... "HI
I'm GEOFF THE GIRAFFE!@  I DONT HAVE A NINTENDO 64 UNDER MY
SHIRT!@  NO  I
DONT!@#  HEEHEH!@#  WHAT GAVE YOU A RIDICULOUS IDEA LIKE THA
T?  HI!@#  UHm...
HI!@#%@#!%  HELLO!#@%  Uhm.... BYE!@#"

NOW... you are a proud owner of a Nintendo 64.

-Troubleshooting-
<manager> "I dont care if you're Geoff... you can't have the
keys"
suggestion:
Give him warez.
<kid> "I DONT WANT WAREZ, I WANT POOH BEAR!"
suggestion:
Give him zero day warez.
<manager> "May I have the keys back?"
suggestion:
"uhm... no."
<manager> "Uhm... yes."
suggestion:
"uhm... no."
<manager> "uhm... yes."
suggestion:
"uhm... yes."
<manager> "uhm... no."
suggestion:
"hO hO HO YEW ARE A POOPY HEAD!@#"

YOu MuST PheAR tHAT!@^$%@&$!@&%$% h0h0h0!~#@$!#@

in other news, PAPA SMURF's HOUSE was DESROYED by GARGAM
EL and his
CHEMISTRY STUDENTS.  then, they destroyed the rest of SMURFL
AND just to show
the SMURFS they were K-NIFTY.  with the wonders of modern ma
gic (and a few      FLOATING THINGS IN SPACE), we tak
e you to the scene of the crime.

NOSMURF-CHEMIST BUAHAHAHA

in the DIRT there is something written.. i believe it sa
ys
'NOSMURF-CHEMIST' but i am not certain.

(in the above news report, names and actual happenings h
ave been changed to
conceal the identity of the parties involved) .. yeah. phear

oh yeah.  rai kinda dropped the scene a bit after what h
appened to his HD.
his demi-final words were 'i found something else to satisfy
my needs. A BIG
CAN OF SPAM!!&@%%!&@$ <click>'

why you ask, is nothing in this infofile highlited to sh
ow its importance?
bECAUSE hIGHLITING iZ fOR sIZZIES!@$!%@$%!$@%^ h0h0h0h0 ...

splatt has just told me the *truth* about his cousin Jo'
se.. Jo'se isn't
an opossum smugler from central mexio after all, he is reall
y the founder of
EVERYONE'S FAVORITE DANCE, THE MACARANA! .. YAY! .. i know y
ou all want to
lean the moves, so here we go!!@#!$@$

*poof*

rai: jeez. that was turning into a horrible mess!
torgo: where's my sock? WHERE THE HELL IS MY SOCK!?
mercuri: HEY! I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! SHUTTUP YOU DAMN CO
MMIE BASTARDS!

(mercuri HAD something to say, but he got hit in the head wi
th a rubber chicken
so i don't think he'll be saying much of *anything* from thi
s point on)

end of the eclipse.

..the path of totality wavers for a moment, and the darkened
denizens of the
earth conjure a glimmer of hope. the moon is moving. after a
ll these months,
earth's sister resumes its orbit.. along one side of the moo
n sun crackles
through, bringing the first rays of light since this strange
tirade began.

far above the earth, a small grey figure can be seen climbin
g from a small hole
in the tycho crater. removing itself to a nearby craft, the
alien being smiles
and nods quaintly at the suddenly brightened earth.

light has returned to the earth.

and the moon moves on...

but there will be a time, in the not so distant future, when
the forces that
control the alien minds deem it fit to once again bathe the
earth in darkness
and when that time comes, be ready. flashlights, matches, an
d all sources of
light will make a scratch against the night. do not fall, as
others have done
so easily..

standing resolute, the alien salutes, a job well done. he cl
imbs into the ship,
adjusts a knob and pushes a throttle, and in a second, his e
xistance is only
a faded memory.

-diez

eclipse has now faded, and sunlight is bestowed upon the sce
ne once more. nanu-
nanu, and goodnight.. .

-  if you didn't enjoy this
, don't blame me. blame him. HE DID IT ALL! ITS HIS
FAULT! I SWEAR^@!&$!$@ WAAAAA!%@$

SAUCE00no. this isnt the info. i swear!   cheeze              eclipse             19961015dP