L L U S T R A T E D  ▄██▀▀▀ crn(dark)

December 96

Information

'I'm waiting for the night to
fall;
I know that it could save us
all.
When everything's dark,
We forget the stark
reality.'

Welcome back, Darkfriends!  We at DAR
K Illustrated are sorry
to hear that many art scene denizens
were unable to get their
hands on the popular "Tickle-Me-E
lmo(tm)" doll they so
desperately wanted this Christmas.  H
owever, we are pleased to
announce that former mall-Santa P
rison Breaker, in a show of
holiday cheer, offers two facsimiles:
"Nerve-Gas-Me-Arzach(tm)"
and "Draw-Me
-An-ANSI-The-Green-Hornet(tm)".  Only $19.95
each,
plus shipping and handling. (Canadian
residents please add GST
and provincial sales tax)

Incidently, we're hoping that the REA
L Santa Claus brought
some hardware for a few of the good D
ARK members this month!
Clark, Essential Obscenit
y, and Free Fall had all been
recently immobilized on account of se
rious computer-related
problems.  Meanwhile, Samurai
needs the *other* kind of
hardware to build a shed
in his backyard, to store all his
really sharp swords!

In other news, while The Prodigy
has only been in the group
for little over a month, he has made
a lot of progress, showing
everyone that he certainly lives up t
o his name!  Prior to
joining DARK, apparently, every time
he saw a commercial for
the Hair Club For Men, he'd feel this
strangely overwhelming
desire to kill the Pope.  Likewise,
Seraphim often spoke with us
about considering all the blades of g
rass he'd stepped on as a
child, worrying that their ancestors
were going to one day seek
revenge.  (As we understand it, C
yber X just smokes the stuff!)

Thankfully, both are doing a little b
etter now!  Like the rest
of us, they've learned to become more
stable, social members of
society; always remembering to apolog
ize to their next door
neighbor for setting fire to his lawn
decorations, after howling
madly at the full moon, while wearing
boxer shorts on their heads
to ward off the evil dandruff spirits

We'd also like to congratulate vetera
n artist Acidic Soap and
former DARK courie
r Critical Illusion on finally getting th
eir
board, Savage Exile, back up
and running again!  It's only been
two years, but hey, who's counting?

The DARK Senior Squad is looking
forward to crashing Pyxis'
house-warming party in Miami, though
the city is reportedly too
crass for even Sylvester Stallone (an
d his baby daughter).  All
DARK members are invited to "attend,"
and are welcome to draw
on the computer while present.  As th
is is *not* expected to be
a formal DARK event, please bear in m
ind that transportation for
the whole group will NOT be provided.
Grail's studio-warming
party, however, will be a totally dif
ferent story altogether.
(But bring your own trampoline!)

In coding news, we have always found
Wayne Kerr to be a
strong coder with DARK.  Unbeknownst
to most, he is also an
exceptional musician in Adlib music.
His "Music Box" feature
presentation (filename: MUSICBOX.
EXE), in this month's
Collection, provides a glimpse at jus
t how multi-talented he
really is.  Be sure to check it out!
While you're at it, take a
look at the very first VGAs that
Oxygene, DARK's Coding Head, and
myself (Carnifex) have conjured up!

This is it; the last Collection of th
e year.  We hope 1996 has
been as interesting and fun-filled a
year for you as it has been
for us!  As Xypher Matryx wou
ld say, "Arrrrgh.  I'll kick your
teeth in and stomp on your guts."  Hr
mmm.  Actually, I think that
when Xypher says that, what he's real
ly means is: "Normal is what
everyone else is, and we are not."

Now just si
t back, turn off the lights...
and enjoy th
e Dark.

Carnifex
Senior Staff, DARK Illustrated

New Members

Joining the Army of Darkness this mon
th are Cybershock,
Holister, Mimes, and
Shadow Hawk.  We hope these soldiers enj
oy
the food; we know you won't find brea
d and water of the same
calibre anywhere else! (Burnout
the Cook would like to remind you
to kiss the chef, before Armagedd
on Donut serves his Dairy Queen
dessert...)

* Cybershock
.  The VGA Department is simply shocked to its
cybernetic core by the addition of Cy
bershock, an aspiring new
Photoshop artist.  His artwork is qui
te promising, and he promises
us that we'll be s
eeing more from him in the near future.

* Holister.  Holis
ter, the newest member of DARK's Coding Team,
has been focusing his time and talent
on a personal project to
date, but we expect to see some impressive produc
tions in the near
future, during his time off.
(NOTE: HOLISTER and HALASTER
are two entirely different
identities.  While they may very well
be the same person in
Real Life, they are two separate enti
ties in cyberspace and
would like to be recognized as such.)

* Mimes.  Not too lon
g ago, the DARK Senior Squad was pleasantly
surprised to find a bubbling baby grr
rl at our doorsteps.  Now,
two months later, she has been offici
ally adopted by the group
and given the name Mimes (pronounced
"meemz").  Mimes is proud
to be DARK's first, and *only* offici
al cheerleader.

* Shadow Hawk.  Sh
adow Hawk brings his unbridled enthusiasm and
personal drive to DARK's ANSI Departm
ent.  Another aspiring new
artist, we think he's a real diamond
in the rough!

It seems that the group has been grac
ed this month by a new
member in every department but Music.
Could this be a sign that
Jimmy Hoffa has really taken up with
Elvis Presley and are rooming
together in Brampton, Ontario?  More
on this in the future;
Agent 77 of the D-Files wil
l continue the investigation, while
Garroter is expected to suppl
y us with an update in 0-3 days.

The D-Files

Strange-But-True:
A whale's penis is called a dork.

The saying "It's so cold out there it
could freeze the balls
off a brass monkey" came from when th
ey had old cannons like ones
used in the Civil War.  The cannonbal
ls were stacked in a pyramid
formation, called a brass monkey.  Wh
en it got extremely cold
outside, they would crack and break o
ff... Thus the saying.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word th
at is typed with only the
left hand.

Medieval Pick-up Line #62:
Yes, that was a good hanging wasn't
it? Of course, if you come to
my place, I can show you something t
hat's really well hung!

Stone Age Pick-up line #16:
Say, baby, I may be no Fred Flintsto
ne, but I'd sure like to make
your bedrock!

While DARK Il
lustrated does not guarantee that the above
pick-up lines will necessarily work
for you under all
circumstances (we can't *all* be Mac
k Daddy's, or Daddymac's),
rumours have it that Purple Dye
has achieved quite a degree of
success. (It probably had something t
o do with his inspiring
DARK 1996: Summer of Hate World Tour
T-Shirt!)

Filenames work like this:  XXXXX-
##.DRK

XXXXX -
five characters we hope represent
an artists' name adequately.

2-digit number representing the numbe
r of releases this artist
has had since 01/96.  (The counter wi
ll be reset once the new
year begins)

DAR'chives

The Lethal Aspect
World Headquarters
Xypher Matryx
The Regency
Internet Headquarters
Halaster
Clockwork   DARK Member Board
Seraphim
Mad Cows?!?DARK Member Board
Night Stalker
Savage ExileDARK Member Board
Acidic Soap
Sight & Sound     DARK
Member Board          Drone-Fly
Special Sauce             DARK Member
Board          Samurai
The Way Station           DARK Member
Board          The Anarchist

In addition to getting the Collection
s from the above DARK-
affiliated BBS's, DARK Collections ca
n be obtained from The
Regency, Halaster's telnet-BBS.  To r
each DARK's Internet HQ,
telnet or FTP to tregency.res.cmu
.edu.

The latest DARK Collections are also
supported on the ACiD Art
Scene Archives, under ftp.cdrom.c
om\pub\artpacks\incoming
\artpacks.

Be sure to drop by #dark, on IRC, whe
re you can trade DARK
Collections, and/or submit new member
applications.  DARK members
and fans alike can be found here idli
ng, chatting, or behaving in
bizarre manner, as always.

For more detailed information on DARK
Illustrated, please take a
look at DRK-FAQ1.705, the lat
est version of our Frequently Asked
Questions list, included in this Coll
ection.

Dedication

"As far as we can discer
n, the sole purpose
of human existence  is to kindl
e a light of
meaning  in the  darkness of
mere  being."
(C.G. Jung,  Memories, Dreams
, Reflections)

This Collection is dedicated
to Oxygene,
Not one to take the easy way
out;
One who chooses to take acti
on rather than
simply accepting things the w
ay they are.

In next month's info file, Epitaph will ins
truct you on how to
clone your neighbor's wife in six easy steps
.  This project
promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and
profit.
Common kitchen utensils will be all you need.

In the meantime, we'll raise you a glass of fine br
andy to
you all, and wish you the best in '97.  We have a f
eeling
it's going to be a kick-ass year. ;>

...DARKillus
trated 1996