Feel free to completely ignore my ramblings.


There are a lot of idiots.  I listen to what they say, and I think they
are complete morons that don't put any thought into what they proclaim.
Then I feel like an asshole with a superiority complex.  Which I hope I
am not.

Ignorance is not power, ignorance breeds power.

There are too many hypocrites claiming to be prophets.

I start with some nuts and bolts.  I make a steam engine.  The steam engine
powers a machine that builds more nuts and bolts.  The nuts and bolts make
a better machine.  The new machine makes better nuts and bolts, which in
turn makes a better machine.

We learn things.  What do we do with this knowledge?  It enables us to
control our environment.  What do we do with thiis control?  We use it to
create better machines that help us control our environment to a greater
extent.  What do we do with these machines?  We use them to build even
better machines.  What for?  To make our lives more comfortable.  Why?
Now we can make even more machines and learn even more.  What do we learn
more for?  Well, then we can make better machines, and make our lives more
comforatble.  Now that they're more comfortable, we can learn even more.
Then we procreate and die.  What does our prodigy do?  It makes more machines,
it learns more, it makes better machines, it learns more, it procreates,
it dies.

Life is pointless without challenge.  Utopia is a paradox, as in Utopia,
all man's problems are solved.  But perseverance over challenge is an
essential part of human nature, and Utopia must take this away.  Utopia
cannot possibly be perfect and cannot possibly exist then.  Without
challenge we would literally die of boredom.  The entire point to our
existance seems to be the creation of a Utopia that would, esentially,
destroy us.  Perhaps Utopia is asymptopic: we can get closer and closer,
but never reach it.  The entire point of our life is to reach it, but
the closer we come, the more and more pointless our existance becomes.

My father went into a bookstore the other day.  He tells me he was surprised
when he entered to find three shelves filled with religious books, but only
one shelf of scientific books.  I find this laughable, but not surprising.
My father is very intelligent, I was quite surprised the other day when he
said he thought drugs should be legalised.  I shouldn't have been surprised,
though.  Too bad we don't get along.  We always end up treating each other
like children.  I always crack up laughing when he tells me of the stunts
he pulled when he was an engineer.  One of them even included taking an
old tank from a scrapyard, putting wheels on it, and driving it around
UBC.  Giving the science men free beer with a chemical that turned their
urine red was also pretty good, though.

I cannot think of a job that I would truely enjoy doing.  If I work just
to make money just to survive, what's the point?  I'm making money to
continue my existance to make more money.  If I don't enjoy it, what the
hell is the point?  There are so many people like this.  They work so that
they may put bread on the table.  Why?  So they can survive for another
day and continue doing the same thing they've always done.  A pointless
message.. did I say message?  I meant job.  A pointless job that only
serves to put bread on their table.

What is enjoyment, anyway.  It is a chemical that flows though the brain.
It is an illusion.  It can be replicated.

Eventually, humans will have machines do everything for them.  They will
be plugged into a wall.  They will live for ever.  They won't do anything,
they'll just have emotions pumped into them.  That is what we seem to
desire, a life of comfort and of nothingness.  Just immortality and a
constant supply of the happiness chemical.  The man who discovers the
happiness chemical will become a millionaire indeed, and will be able
to afford it by the gallon.

Simple does not mean stupid.

I miss my friends.  True, they're bigotted, shallow fucks, but I miss them.
I miss being able to laugh with people.  During the summer, they suddenly
came to the decision that I was a loser and not to be associated with.  No
real reason.  They've done this before to another person.  Who, of course,
is once again an associate.  So why do I miss these people?

I'm too shy to meet any other people.  I don't think I've ever really made a
good impression.  The Jazz meet?  Merlyn?  Oh, he was the guy who never said
anything.

I'm paranoid.  I hear snickering, well, people are laughing at me.  Of course
this isn't an unfounded paranoia, as people often are laughing at me.  I
think that it's worst when they say it as though you weren't even around
to hear.  So what if he hears it, just a fucking statue.  Unlike most people,
however, I recognise it to usually be little more than a paranoia.  I think
calling it a paranoia is actually a gross exageration.  Oh well.

I hate people who tear others down to build themselves up.  There are people
who treat you with disrespect because it gives them a sense of power.
Physical intimidation is the worst, especially when the intimidated party
could probably kick the asshole in the chest and break his sternum, but
doesn't do anything.

I often wish I were invisible, I often wish I were visible and I often wish
people would notice me.  I enjoy recognition.  I was happy when I first
joined tabnet and there were messages addressed to me.  Why am I so asocial.
Why can't I be more extroverted and charismatic.  I'm not weird enough to
fit into a niche, to attract similar people to become friends.  I don't
appear weird enough.  Don't appear it.  I'm thankful I'm not normal.  I
have very little patience for those morons who sit around quoting sports
statistics like some almanac.  I'm so scared of ending up with a normal
job and a normal life.  Normal job boring job pointless job monotonous
job life.  Can't I wrap the darkness around me and go.  Away.  Too blind.

I often wish I was invisible, and people would stop putting me down.

It may sound egotistical, but I have a lot of talent.  And I'm wasting it.
I have the worst work habits of anybody I have ever known.  I didn't even
study for my provincial exam.  I have another late essay.  Schizophrenia.

I have a cousin who, it has been discovered, is very badly schizophrenic.
Paranoid schizophrenia.  Of course nobody in my family tells me any of
this.  My parents hear the news from others, but I'm not worth knowing.
Now I feel really fucking guilty for advertising things like this.

Profanity sucks.

Actually, profanity is good for communicating emotion through tone of
voice.  It isn't the wrod "fuck" that has the meaning, it is the way it
is said.  If I drop a piano on my foot, I say Oh Fuck.  If I accidently
blew up australia, I would say Oh Fuck.  The word isn't descriptive
of how I feel, it is the intonation that is descriptive of how I feel.
That's why the word seems to have so many different meanings.  It could
be good, it could be bad, it could be humourous.  It should be used sparingly
and for emphasis.

I need to be exposed to more kinds of music.  I'm listening to Peter Gabriel
right now.  Us.  Love to be Loved (I Need to be Needed) and Digging in the
Dirt.

I'm way too insecure.

No matter what political system we choose, it will always be flawed.  The
theory of the system is usually good, but human nature is flawed and,
consequently, the system will be flawed.  The grass will always be greener
on the other side, no matter how many times we hop the fence.  The other
guy's system will always be better.

Why do people choose such things as satanism?  Because non-conformity is
a fad, and Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll are now too mainstream for people
trying to maintain a tough guy image.  Why does one want a tough guy image?
I answered this a long time ago in why gangs are illusioned.  Because
people want respect, everybody desires and deserves some respect.  But
respect is hard to come by, and most people don't give it out freely, as
they prefer to tear somebody down to raise themselves.  Fear appears very
similar on the surface.  In fact, feared people are treated basicly exactly
the same as respected people.  They're aren't actually respected, but that
doesn't matter.  It's appearances that count, right?  Anyway, fear is a
substitute that is much easier to come by than true respect.  So, as people
are always looking for the free lunch, they choose the easier route.  Fear.

I am amazed at how close minded a lot of people who claim to be open minded
are.  "I'm open minded because I've accepted alternate solutions and
routes."  But these people are usually as close minded as can be towards
"conventional" approaches.  Hypocricy is one of the basic tennants of
human nature.  I feel like a terrible hypocrite most of the time.

This message has managed to introduce a number of ideas, but followed up
on none of them.  Oh well, not surprising, considering my character.

Somebody (I will not steal the words) said that collage is the artform
of the twentieth century.  It most definitely is.  Artists always have
influences.  Who are these influences?  Why other artists.  Most ideas have
been thought of before.  Almost all new ideas are old ideas said in a
different fashion.  I'm tired and could probably explain it much better
if I weren't, as I should.  But any explanation I write at the moment will
probably reduce its credibility.

I don't know why I'm writing this (not posting, as I haven't decided if
I actually will.)  It isn't to draw attention.  If I don't care what people
think of me, then I shouldn't worry about it being misinterpreted, and
post it.  If I don't care what people think of me, then why would I want to
post it anyway?

I'm so tired.  I'm physically tired.  My muscles ache.  I'm tired of life
and it's monotonous lack of meaning.  I'm tired of the world.  I don't
have long to wait.  70 years, at most, probably.  A blink of the eye.
Why do people kill themseleves?  They don't have long to wait.  Not long
at all.  Just a blink of the eye.  If one had no life at all and desired to
kill themselves, they could live for the novelty of it.  Besides, you
have a certain amount of time in which to enjoy stimulus.  A very very
short time.  Why throw any of it away?  There is no stimulus after.  Some
people here say they enjoy pain.  Why?  It is a stimulus that is better
than nothing.  That's why those submersion tanks are so effective.  People
would prefer unpleasent stimulii to nothing at all.  And you're dead for
so long.  So much nothing.  I want to live so much longer.  There isn't
enough time.  Rushed jobs are sloppy, and everything is rushed.

I cannot talk to people very well face to face.  I can never think of what
to say.  Talking on the phone, or even chatting (electric chatting) is
difficult, as I can't form my thoughts.  I can't usually just spew what
I think, because it would make no sense.  Too many different thoughts
intermixed.  On the other hand, I have been completely lucid at times
and can talk marvelously, always stringing together the perfect words for
a situation.  This gave me a talent for, of all things, insulting people.
I could come up with the most biting comments at exactly the correct moment.
This has been good and bad.  Usually, I'm completely clumsy, however.

While I was writing, I remembered another topic I was going to blether
about but I forgot what it was.  Now let me think of something else.

Is black really the opposite of white?  They have something in common,
they're both colours.  Seeing as they have something in common, can one
really be the opposite of the other?  What a stupid observation.

I already did this, didn't I.  That message.  The dumb one.  Well, it
was a load of chaotic mental vomit.  This one's a little different, it
expresses, superfically, some ideas.  As opposed to a lot of random thoughts
that were welling up.

I'm so absoulutely frustrated.  I cannot express myself.  Everything will
be misinterpreted.  I probably won't even be able to post this properly
as it is more than 200 lines.  Everyhthing is misinterpreted.  Everything
is frustrated.  My head is broken.  Open.  Ignorance = ignore.  Don't
ignore.  These paragraphs aren't written in order.  This one has been
inserted here, because, once again, I've already said goodbye.  I think
the cat has discovered the meaning of life.  Too bad they can't tell us, but
that would be too easy.  The challenge isn't to create utopia, it's to
find meaning in our pitiful existance.

This place was just minutes ago occupied by a comment concerning hypocracy
evident in tabnet.  But I deleted it.

Society is the ultimate scapegoat.

Why are we here?  God created you.  Be secure in knowing that god has
his reasons for your existance.  But what is the point to god's existance?
Where did he come from?  He just is.  Do not question him as such, it
is heresy.  It's heresy, because if somebody did, more religion would
have to be created to explain it.  And that's a hell of a lot of work that
nobody wants to do.

Organized religion has caused more problems than it has solved.  Or has it?
Is it the fuel for so many problems, or just an excuse?

Writing this has caused me to think a lot.  These thoughts have managed to
make me so very sad and depressed.  I would communicate them, but can't.
They're a cross between thought and emotion, no specific thouts or emotions
either.  There is a communication barrier.  If I could, I'd put a piece of
my mind into your head.  Then you'd understand.  I'm so frustrated.  I'm
writing this after that which lies below.  I'm throwing in paragraphs that
just serve to raise the disorder of this message.  I can't stop, though.
There is a single thought, or emotion, or something lying at the back of
my head.  It wants out but it's too far back.  It's sharp and bright, but
it's covered by all these other ones.  I'm so tired.  I wish I was a good
writer.  I'm so absolutely incredibly frustrated and so absolutely tired.
My jaw hurts.  I've been writing this for far longer than it feels like, too.

I need a trigger.

I was writing a big message a while ago about pirates, homies, fads, and
appearences.  It started at as a message to Tzeentch and why I thought
calling pirates elite is a misnomer.  Maybe I should finish it sometime.

Along with a million others.

I need to read a million books.

I need to rent a million movies.

I need to visit a million places.

I need to know a million people.

I need to learn a million things.

I need to teach a million things.

I need to create a million things.

I need a million hours of sleep.

I need a new fucking mattress.

I'm going to stop with my hypocritical, pseudo-intellectual, self pittying,
shallow rambling because I want some sleep.

Merry Christmas.
SAUCE00Feel free to completelt ignore my rMerlyn              Independant         19941224
;
P