Story Of no Meaning To Them. Chapter 1 Once upon a time a long time ago, but not too long. In a land not so close by, but farther than you think, there lived a Barba-creature. This Barba-creature was older than you and probably still is, unless time has gone backwards, which wasn't supposed to happen till yesterday. His name was or is, depending on what time you are living in, Barbamushap, or Mr. Shape for short, or long depending on what language you speak. Mr. Shape could change shape at will because he was not made of a hard material. He was/is a troubled alien life form because he cannot/couldn't make his mind on which shape to be, so he usually kept to geometric shapes such as circles, squares, and triangles. Well a long time from now Mr. Shape was wondering what he was doing in the future, considering this story took place in the past, or does it? Oh yeah, there was this other Mexican guy who was Mark's idea, but he dies in the book before this one. The only thing you need to know about him is that he has nothing to do with this story, or any other for that matter. So, on with it. Chapter 10 Mr. Shape sat on the steps of the dimly lit field of grass wondering what happened to the last eight chapters, when all of a sudden, all of a sudden! Marks character fell off of a nearby skyscraper and landed, splat, right in front of the steps Mr. Shape is/was sitting on. "AAaaaghak!" blurted out the Mexican guy, his legs were now coming out of his ears. "Are you in any pain?" asked Mr. Shape as he shifted his globular body on the step. "AAaaahhggaafak!" the now two foot tall Mexican oozed in the same way that his innards were. "Are you O.K.?" asked Mr. Shape. "No, I am in a great deal of pain and was wondering if you could move my legs so as to relieve the pressure from my brain, senor?" and he died. Chapter Eleven Chapter eleven is really quite boring so I will leave it out. Chapter Twelve Jeff ran down the hall, his heart pounded as his feet slid around the corner. He skidded to a halt, almost ploughing down a fellow student. "What the hell am I doing in this story!" he yelled out loud, his voice echoing down the nearly empty hallway. He glanced at his watch, seven o'clock, it read. He looked again, three o'clock, something was seriously wrong with this story. Was it the authors fault, did he not know how to write a proper grammar correct sentence, did he not know how to stay in the same tense. Or, was it the readers fault, did he or she not know how to read English, or did she or he think that they bought a book written in a different language to start with. If you read this book backwards it tells you how to make a nuclear bomb out of toilet paper, bubble gum, duct tape and drano. Jeff thought...... Well, it was a big deal for him because he didn't think very often, I think. Jeff sat in the middle of the hallway thinking to himself, because there was no one else to think to. He was overjoyed with the feeling, he thought of many things, how to eat smarties, what dental floss is made of, when does Ted shut up. He exploded, err, exclaimed "I've solved all the problems of the universe and I now know the meaning of life because I have thoroughly thought it through and I have come to the conclusion that the answer is," he took a breath because it was an extremely long sentence, but before he finished it he exploded, err, exclaimed, "but wait there's more!"..... Then he exploded. (The Character Jeff is not in any way related to the North Surrey Band Teacher.) ((Not!)) Chapter Thirteen You won't understand chapter thirteen unless you have read chapter eleven, but because I left it out I will omit this one also, too. Chapter Fourteen To be Continued in Chapter 22. Chapter 15 The Cook the Baker the Sailor the Refrigerator repairman and the Nuclear Power Plant Community Information Officer. Mr. Cook, Mr. Baker, Mr. Sailor, Mr. Refrigerator Repairman, and Mr. Nuclear Power Plant Community Officer were in a boat fishing one day when Mr. Cook noted that each of their names described the occupation of one of those present. "That's quite interesting," offered Mr. Sailor, who preferred to be called Oscar Bateman. "Gimme 'nother Beer." The Man who called himself Mr. Refrigerator Repairman chimed in, "We gonna fish or talk?" "Say, fellas, what do you say we just pack it in and go bowling?" Mr. Nuclear Power Plant Community Information Officer said nervously. He knew that less than two Kilometres upstream his employer was dumping deadly plutonium waste in the water, creating a new bread of fish that lived on boat hulls and human blood. Mr. Baker muttered under his breath. He hated his companions and had agreed to the fishing expedition only because his wife had found out about the Darcy Twins and the photographs and she was threatening to sing to the police unless he forked over 80 percent of the profits and put the house in her name. Which man is whom, who does what, where does he do it, and who cares? The really important questions are, Who are the Darcy Twins, where are those photographs, and why should Mrs. Baker get most of the Profits, and what does this have to do with the plot of the rest of the story? Chapter Seventeen The Argument. "Yes." "No." (Ect. ect.) Chapter 18 Matsumoto's Childhood. Once upon a time in a far away place, or maybe not so far away. There lived a small Japanese boy named Matsumoto. Matsumoto was short but not too short, had black hair but not too black, yellowish colour skin but not too yellowish and dark brown eyes, but not too dark. Matsumoto went to school, like most boys his age he did not like it. This story is about the time that Matsumoto ditched school. The early morning sun shone through the great stain glass window in the church where Matsumoto lived, he woke up just as the sunbeams were stretching their way across the floor towards his bed. "School!" he uttered gruffly, but not too gruffly. He got up and did the normal things that boys his age do in the morning. He brushed his teeth, washed his face, cleaned his tongue. Well O.k. not so many kids his age clean their tongues, but Matsumoto brushed it briskly with a brilo brush, but not too briskly. He watched some cartoons before school, but they were boring, but not too boring because Matsumoto seemed to enjoy them. He ate his breakfast, which consisted mostly of sugar and starch, but not too much starch. And Matsumoto set out for school. On his way to school Mat, short for Matsumoto, Mat met Takanori. Now Takanori liked girls, and swearing but not too much swearing, well alright too much swearing. "Hello," said Mat. Tak answered, "#@^& Hello to you to." "What are you doing today, Tak?" inquired Mat. "I am skipping out with five ^%&*$% girls." replied Tak. "Why?" "Because I am cool, and everybody love me.", Tak couldn't english very well. Tak was taller than Mat but not too much taller, his hair was dyed blonde, too blonde, he was also rather plump, but not too plump. "Do you want to skip with me?" asked Tak. Mat thought for all long time, too long because when he was finished school was already over, he had missed it. Or had he. You see, while Mat was thinking some very strange things happened on the planet. During that time many strange things went on, but not to strange, if your from another planet. The rotation of the planet reversed causing the polar ice caps to melt, the oceans to rise twenty feet, mountains to crumble and Pee Wee Herman was arrested for indecent exposure! The moon grew so big that it blotted out the sun, and volcanoes erupted, Beatle became normal. Actually, none of this happened except for the Pee Wee one. But, all the water on the entire planet turned purple, but not too purple. Matsumoto thought that this was rather strange and pushed Takanori in. To his surprise Tak turned a dark shade of green, (yellow+ purple = D. green). Matsumoto thought this was very amusing, so Mat went around looking for things to throw in the water to change their colour. He threw everything in, until he got to his school. A very large teacher with burns on his face grabbed him ruffly, too ruffly, so ruff in fact that Mat's head fell off. And he died. So the moral of this story is, never skip school and don't throw things in purple water. Chapter Twenty Do You Have The Time. Professor Gates adjusted the apparatus for the hundredth time and wiping his hands on a piece of scrap towelling, said to his daughter, "When I turn on this switch a lifetime of work will be completed, I will have invented the first machine capable of reversing time". "Is it a good idea to reverse time?" his daughter asked. "Of course it is", he replied while flipping the switch eht hctiws gnippilf elihw deilper eh ,"si ti esruoc fO" .deksa rethguad sih "?emit esrever ot aedi doog a ti sI" ."emit gnisrever fo elbapac enihcam tsrif eht detnvevni evah lliw I ,detelpmoc eblliw krow fo emitefil a hctiws siht no nrut I nehw" ,rethguad sih ot dais ,gnillewot parcs fo eceip a no sdnah sih gnipiw dna emit htderdnuh eht rof sutarappa eht detsujda setaG rosseforP Chapter Twenty One Oops. Chapter Twenty Two to be Continued in Chapter 35. Chapter Twenty Three Deep in the backwaters of the universe there is a small red planet with a race of beings that are so advanced that they know everything, but they don't matter because one day they made a bomb. Not an ordinary bomb but a Conversion Bomb. A Conversion Bomb is slightly smaller than a bread box, but bigger than the bread, it has the explosive power of ten Suns. They built this bomb so they could conquer the universe little did they know that there planet so far away from everything else in the universe that when they went into space they died from asphyxiation, which usually happens when you go into space unprotected. Well, they set off the bomb and blew themselves to bits, so they don't matter anymore. Anyway, not so deep in the frontwaters of the universe a strange thing happened. This thing was so strange in fact that it only happened one other time in the history of that small red planet in the deep dark backwaters of the universe. All of a sudden on Earth, which is quite a far ways away from that small non- existent red planet I mentioned before, something, or someone imploded into existence. Actually, Jeff imploded back into existence. "Wow, that was neat," he replied to no one's question. "I'll have to do that again sometime," he answer to the tree he thought just asked him a question. Jeff's brain had not fully imploded back into existence. One of the many problems with involuntarily imploding back into existence is that sometimes parts of you don't implode. Sometimes they implode into the wrong place. The Race of beings from the small red planet did not realize this when they imploded themselves back into existence, they ended up with no arms and seventeen fingers up their noses, oh well you can't be exact all the time. Chapter Twenty Four You may be wondering, "What happened to the part of Jeffs brain that imploded somewhere else?" Well this is what happened. It seems that even farther off in the deep backwaters of the universe, even farther then the small red planet that no longer exists, a race of semi-intellegent partly sentient beings were have a very large and tremendous dinner. Their guests were their nearby neighbours from the next planet over. They had food and wine, they danced and laughed and laughed and danced, ate and drank, laugh and ate, drank and laughed and then when it was all done they threw up all over the place. During desert the two leaders of the two races were discussing the theory of in-lawitivity when parts of Jeffs brain imploded onto on of the aliens plate, but unfortunately did not notice it. He ate it. He died of massive spontaneous combustion. In the ensuing war that followed one race stole the Conversion Bomb from a long dead race of beings from a now non-existent red planet in the deep, but not deeper than this one, backwaters of the universe. They blew the hell out of everything. Chapter One Thousand Thirty Three Mr. Shape III rushed down the hall knocking over the hyperactive mutant slugs as he went by them. The world was in definite danger of being slimed by four million and two large and repulsive green slugs. Bob Junior was right on his tail, with the still dead Matsumoto riding on his left earlobe. The slugs were everywhere. The fate of the world was in Jeffs hands as he wiped his hands with the cloth. He had just finished fixing Professor Gates time machine, he was determined to put this chapter back were it belonged in the future. "No, I don't think there are four of them in the toilet," Jeff replied to the very inquisitive wall. He pick up the now baby Prof. Gates and put him in his crib. He went over to the switch and pulled hard, but not too hard because nothing happened. Just then Mr. Shape III, Bob Junior and Matsumoto ran in and bumped into Jeff. The switch got pulled, the machine went poofta, and everyone disappeared. Oh dear, they forgot to send the author back to his own time, now he is stuck here. Oh well I'll just pick up were I forgot to put chapters in. Chapter Two Ted And The End Of The World. One day Ted stopped talking and the World ended. Chapter Three Well, not really because we are still here. But we are only memories in Ted the Spartan God's mind, what little he may have. Chapter Four Well O.k. so we didn't all perish in the apocalypse, only all the toilet cleaners. Chapter Five O.k. O.k. We all did perish because the toilet cleaners did, we all caught a strange disease from our toilets and we all died a painful writhing death. Chapter Six Chapter Six is a lot like chapter eleven, so I will Leave it out. Chapter Seven Chapter Seven is to be continued in Chapter Fourteen. Chapter Eight About Chapter 1033, there was a time warp and that chapter fell threw and landed in the story at that particular point. Chapter Twenty Seven Author together now. "Excuse me? You know this has been nice and all but really I would like to go back to my own time now if it were at all possible?" the future author of the story said. You see when Jeff sent the chapter from the future, back to the future, to quote Spielberg, he forgot to send the author back with it. So now there are 'to of us', or me, as the case may have it." "Excuse me? I am getting tired of you putting quotations around everything I say, I'm just as much the author of this story as you are," stated the author, "And quit doing that after everything I say. It's really quite annoying!" I know. What do you mean you know? I know because 'I are you and you are me goo goo ga choob', the only difference is that you are older. So? So? So what? This is confusing. How so? The readers probably don't know which author is writing what sentence. So, what's your point? My point is, no one knows who is talking. So, 'you are me and me is you and we are all together', we are talking to myself. Does that mean we are crazy? Are we answering the questions we are asking ourself? It appears that we are. Oh dear, we better get me back to the future before we go any more crazy then we already are. No, we have to get me back. No, me! No, me! No, me! Now we are arguing with ourself. No we are not. Yes we are. No we are not. Yes we are. No. Yes. No, we are only contradicting ourself. No we aren't. Yes we are. No. Yes. No. Yes, we just contradicted ourself again. "Wait a MINUTE!!!" Who was that? Yeah, who the hell was that? "I am the co-author and I am sick and tired of you person arguing with yourself, so I am going to take over this story until you figure out who you are." Purple Peace Publications 1991 SAUCE00Story of no Meaning to Them Beatle MiSTiGRiS 19940527@P