THEY  CAME  TO  CONQUER  TV
          
        Thousands of them huddled together in the underground chamber. On the
planet surface, an awful war was raging. They had to escape, but where could
they go? One stepped forward and began to display several charts. Then it
spoke, telling the others of this new planet, Earth. On Earth, the natives were
intellectually inferior, having not yet travelled beyond the confines of their
own solar system.

        There had not been enough time to find out everything about the planet
and its people, and the aliens had fixated themselves on one topic: television.
Television, the speaker explained, was an advanced computer that all earthlings
obeyed. In fact, they had been conditioned by this machine, and now they
willingly reported to it for hours at a time, proving how much power it held
over them.

        Five aliens would take on the dangerous mission: to take over or
destroy television! As soon as they had control of television, they would make
it order the people to worship them. If they couldn't control TV, they would
have to destroy it. This would leave the earthlings with no leader, and as a
result they would be helpless and easy to conquer. As soon as the population
was either enslaved or terminated, they could take refuge there.

        The chosen five stood straight and tall. They knew that the lives of
the others depended on the sucess of their mission. The jet black spaceship's
white lights flashed as its crew of five silently boarded. There were no cheers
of support from the weak refugees as the ship soared through an underground
tunnel and into space, blending in with the stars.          

        It took many days to reach Earth. The long voyage was uncomfortable and
dangerous, with meteorites barely missing the vessel. Finally it hovered above
the planet surface and emitted a single white beam of light to the ground. They
came down in the beam one by one, until all five stood in the wet grass. Set on
a return course, the disguised ship eased its way back into the vastness of
space. 

        It was late and they were tired, but there was no time for rest.
Finding the gravity too strong, they took a moment to adjust their gravity
belts. The grass was higher than expected, and even with their Zappers, it was
hard to move quickly. Suddenly, a screeching creature dove at them from the
sky! They sprawled to the ground, safe. But wait! The creature had been
sucessful in its attack. Nervously, the remaining four set their Zappers to
" 7 " and continued.          

        They shuddered at the cold, realizing that their light white clothing
was too thin. Each pressed a purple button on its suit, turning it to fur.
Warm and content, they decided that it was too dangerous to travel with
screeching creatures ready to dive at them. They would wait a few hours until
the things finished hunting. They found a tree to shelter them as they slept,
and kept one of them on guard as the other three slept.

        Their dreams were all horribly similar, nightmares of the terrible war
in progress on D'lorgon. They thought of the merciless foot soldiers, the sleek
airfighters, and the ruthless commanders. They thought of their terrified
families, running to escape......

        Each woke up sweating and terrified, determined not to fall asleep
again. They journeyed on, ready to find out where television's central command
was. Then they, and all who followed, could live on Earth peacefully, with no
trouble from the barbarians.

        Finally, they came to a black strip of land on which no grass grew.
They decided to follow it, since it was easier than grass to travel on. 169
grzapas later [one Earth hour] a loud roar penetrated the otherwise peaceful
land. Realizing that it came from behind, they whirled around, and found
themselves face to face with a hideous creature! It had metal fur and circular
legs, and it was growling right at them.

        Quickly, they drew their Zappers and fired, but the creature was
unaffected. There was no time to set their Zappers up to "12". Three of the
four leapt to the safety of the grass and began adjusting their weapons. The
other (who was quite brave but sometimes too brave) stayed to face the monster,
desparately firing again.

        The red animal plowed right through, not even stopping to see what it
had killed. The three furious aliens, Zappers at "12", avenged their dead
companion by shooting at the creature's circular back legs. There was a noisy
'pop' and the injured animal leaned heavily to the left. It slowed, and the
three rejoiced, confident it was dead. After all, "12" was the highest setting.

        They were amazed to see the thing open, and even more amazed to see
another creature get out of it. Was this the miracle of birth? Then they took
a closer look at the being. It was a human. But the bigger creature was not.
They were confused. On Earth, a species could only give birth to a creature
from that same species! They pondered for a moment, and then it all became
clear.

        Of course! The aliens had quickly studied humans and a bit of their
habitat. Then all the research had gone into television, meaning that
transportation had not been given a second thought! One of them took out his
trusty braftalator [recorder] and entered 'Humans travel inside large
creatures' in the Transportation Section. He was going to record more, but one
of the others jabbed him and pointed towards the creature.

        The human had removed the creature's leg and was replacing it!
Surprised, the recorder made another note; ' The transportation creatures have
detachable limbs.' Making a mental note to get researchers on D'lorgon to study
transportation further, the alien closed the braftalator and watched with the
others as the healed creature thundered off. The three decided to get a ride on
the next transportation creature.

        After 82 grzapas, they got their wish. A transportation creature
lumbered to a stop a few yoinks [metres] ahead. The human inside got out and
quickly made its way to a wooden closet- shaped box, with a moon on it. The
eager aliens took the moment to rush into the creature. They pondered over the
controls. No glowing panels or star levers. They agreed to let the human
control the thing when it arrived. They politely hid in the back, in a smaller
section without seats, probably for storage.

        There they found a brown bottle, labeled B-E-E-R. One alien entered the
phrase into the ruktur [translator] but the limited information could only
offer B-E-E-T, a human food. One rather daring alien took a sip. Grinning a
fanged grin, it downed the rest of the contents. That was a mistake. When the
human got back into the animal and started it, the alien got quite sick, and
moaned softly during the entire ride. Quickly a note was added to the entry on
beets, so it read, 'A human food toxic to D'lorgons.'

        Finally, the transportation creature stopped, and the human left.
Happily, the aliens moved out of the trunk and into the back seat, and tried to
find a way out. Every exit was sealed. Wasting no time, one alien set its
Zapper to "9" and melted the glass panel. Free, they scrambled out.

        They fell onto hard grey ground. Nothing grew here. They picked
themselves up. Bright lights flashed and humans were all around. They darted
into an alley, determined not to be seen. They waited and waited, until the
grey land was empty. They were walking by open sewer pipes when they saw a
group of humans ahead.

        They ducked into the pipes immediately, safe from lights, noise, and
humans. Sewer waters were high, and luckily they found a weathered old log
that would fit them all. As they sailed downstream however, the waters became
very rough, and they found themselves clinging tightly to the rolling log. One
of them lost its grip in the icy waters. Not being able to swim, it drowned.
At last, the waters calmed and the log was pushed into open sea, where it
deposited the two survivors on the shore.

        The sun, so much bigger and brighter than on D'lorgon, was blinding.
The aliens had to find shelter, or this fierce world and its inhabitants would
kill them, like the fallen three. The sun dried them as they found a small
store. They melted the lock on the back door and snuck in. Here, they could
maybe find something to protect themselves from the sun.

        They heard voices. "Ya gotta be careful in th' heart of th' Big Apple."
Quickly, one of them punched it into the ruktur, and stared at the translated
results. They were in the middle of a large circular red fruit?? Disgusted with
the malfunction, it zapped a display of food bars, melting the chocolate into
sticky goo.

        The heat of the sun was no longer important. They would have to quickly
find the television central command, travelling in the shade. With that
decision made, they slipped back out of the back door of the store, and headed
west.

        Soon they came to a rocky hill. The first alien started up, with its
partner behind. The first alien was in such a hurry that it tripped over a rock
and began a landslide, which crushed and buried the second.

        The last alien sttod alone at the top of the hill. The entire mission
depended on it. What pressure! One alien had to shut down the computers of a
world! Of course, doing it alone would mean more glory....

        One thing was certain; the alien couldn't take over all the computers
at once. Central command would be too dangerous for one alien. A new plan was
needed, so the alien thought and thought, until finally it had the solution.
All the television computers were linked, and every home probably had one.
Being linked, the computers would all depend on the others, and together they
made an unbeatable force. If one link was destroyed, however, the system might
collapse. After all, all computers were needed to command. Alone, they were
nothing.

        Confident, it trekked down the hill with careful care, and searched for
a suitable human-dwelling. Finally, it broke into a rather run down shack.
There it searched and searched for a television set, but to its surprise,
there was none? Could this be the dwelling of a rebel, not under television's
control? The alien was begininng to leave when something caught its eye.

        A rectangular wooden board was on the floor, in front of a hole. It had
a metal bar covering half of its perimeter. A small yellow triangle rested in
the middle of it. Curious, the alien lifted the triangle. SNAP! The mousetrap
broke the alien's neck with lightning-fast speed.
        
        "Mighty strange mouse," observed the rather drunk man as he returned
home and checked the trap. He saw its red eyes, its white fur, its big ears,
and its long pink tail. That was enough.
        
        If he had bothered to look closer at the "mouse" before he flushed it
down the toilet, he would have seen the tiny gravity belt, the tiny ruktur, the
tiny braftalator, and the tiny Zapper. But he didn't.   

                                THE END
SAUCE00They Came to Conquer TVEoanyaMiSTiGRiS20941015